Thursday, January 24, 2008

24.1.2008, Faris is 7 today. Loves to whine and cry. Still a baby at heart.
Happy Birthday Faris!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

apa yang i nak dan harap sekarang ialah..
  • mum to get better and back to her usual self
  • to have that soothing voice comforting me during my sorrow
  • to have that strong arms ready 24-7 to pick me up whenever i stumble
  • to wake up and be greeted by the perfect-to-me-features
  • to spend a weekend far away from KL
  • to be able to erase all those stupid-idiotic-moment-that-still-haunts my life
  • nak berjumpa/terjumpa dengan mamat K tu
  • nak capai ke tempat yang tinggi tu dengan hati yang puas tanpa perlu ada komitmen
  • nak buat macam-macam yang tak masuk dek akal...tapi nak jugak!!

Friday, January 11, 2008

useless, helpless, hopeless..
i'm sorry that i can't help you out financially
i'm sorry that i can't be the person that you could be proud of
i'm sorry for not being able to provide you with all the luxury & comfort
i'm sorry for causing sorrow to you
i'm sorry for everything that i've done to you
my love and prayers goes out to you

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

been wanting to write something on Mak tapi tak kesampaian. the reason being, i don't really know how to express my feelings towards her. no words can best describe Mak. she has been there for me thru thick or thin. i did something really bad back then, which i rasa kalau other parents would not be as patient n forgiving as her. i hope i will not have to go thru the same situation ever again, amin! Mak lost Pak back in 1998. when Pak was still around, Mak was Pak's friend-wife-nurse. Mak jaga Pak thru the time that he was ill. be it rain or shine, Mak will be following Pak around on foot. masa Pak sihat, kemana saja Pak p, Mak will be his escort. masa Pak was still working at Jabatan Penerangan, they travelled a lot. walaupun Mak tak pernah abiskan pengajian dia, she had all the skills & knowledge yang kadang-kadang kat sekolah pun belum tentu kita belajar. her life & experience were all the lessons that she needed.
lepas Pak passed away, Mak went thru a lot of changes..emotionally that is. yelah, selama berapa puluh tahun, sakit demam, ke kerja, ke kedai..semuanya diuruskan bersama. suddenly she was left alone. boleh nampak the part of her that misses Pak a lot. she once said, she was glad that Pak left first..sebab Mak tau kalau Mak yang pergi dulu, susahlah hidup Pak.
sejak kebelakangan ni, Mak kurang sihat. her memory has deteriorated. she akan ulang cakap the same topic sebanyak 3-4 kali dalam 1 jam. and she also has pockets of selected memories, yang mana kebanyakannya adalah all the negative things. surprisingly, the negative things are not at all true. i wonder naper Mak boleh pikir apa yang dipikirkannya tu. we love her dearly and would never ever hurt her feelings on purpose. baru-baru nie, she went thru something traumatic, she was bleeding. bawak dia pergi hospital, did some check ups and later discovered that she had cysts on her ovaries..2 - left 1 - right. sian dia. she has 2 options, either to have an open surgery or laparascopic surgery. an open surgery would b too stressful for someone of her age. we are opting for the latter. orang kata bila kita sakit, it is like terhapus dosa-dosa kecil kita. hmm....
i hope Mak will get thru this ordeal. they have their families, i'm only left with Mak. whenever i'm feeling down or when the world seems unfair, juz the sound of her comforting voice telling me stories would make everything better. i love you Mak...

Monday, January 7, 2008

hari ni dah masuk hari ke-4 faris & hana masuk sekolah dan selama 4 hari ni jugaklah farhan menangis-nangis nak ikut kakak dia ke sekolah. selama nie dia di taska ngan hana, tup-tup tinggal sorang. uish!! headache betul nak uruskan budak kecik yang nangis-satu kawasan perumahan boleh dengaq nie. dahlah nak kejutkan yang besar2 susah, tambah ngan yang kecik dok nangis, lagilah fening kapla. level of stress pepagi bute memanglah tinggi mencanak-canak. kalau dlu tak payah nak kerah semua skali keluar pasal Mie masuk keje lambat, so kurenglah sket stressnye. well, dalam kekurangan dia, ada jugak kelebihan dia. sometimes juz the tiniest thing makes a whole lot of difference.
a conversation i had over the weekend with someone close membuatkan One berfikir. last time i used to share almost all of my probs ngan those who r close to me. yelah, kita tengok life & marriage dia orang ok je. not much fuss n tak havoc like mine. maybe sebab they all dah melepasi zaman kesusahan & dah mencapai kesefahaman dalam marriage. so kita nie as young couple sure lah mintak nasihat pada mereka yang terlebih dahulu makan garam. lagi2 both of us had our own egos..him being a mother's boy & me being the youngest, we had our share of difficulties. tup-tup baru sekarang i dengar.."wonder how they communicate exactly?" "sometimes i pity her" "dia keje apa sebenarnye?" "looks like..."...tulah sket lebih kurang perkara2 yang dibangkitkan. hmm..bila dipk kan balik, ada benarnya tapi benda2 tu tak pernah di discuss secara terang-terangan. yelah, sapa yang nak bukak pekung di dada. on surfacenye everything is ok..deep down tuhan aje yang tahu. ..TIPAH TERTIPU!!!

Friday, January 4, 2008

juz got back from a long break .. rite after christmas. alangkah baiknye if i had the cash & ability to go for a holiday with me, myself & i. masa raya haji break & monday before christmas, i was all alone in the office as orang lain dah apply cuti awal2. tinggallah sorang-sorang dalam office, layan cite2 korea yang ada. so balas dendam time. started off the cuti with demam. boy!! lepas tu buat final prep untuk kids nak masuk sekolah. firdaus year 6, faris year 1 & hana masuk preschool. 3 kids going to school on juz a person nye income is sure hard. i think for yuran je..all in all i paid nearly rm500/-. campur tolak darab bahagi dengan peralatan sekolah yang lain adalah dlm rm1k kot..wow!! banyak tu!! tu x masuk lagi expenses hari-hari. i'm broke!! need to find extra income fast!! any rich-single guy-don't mind not having own kids-from next door country out there for grab? HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
i'm jugglin with a few other things on my mind rite now. i wish i had someone to talk to. someone that can really listen without judging me. someone yang takde masalah sendiri yang sket lebih kurang gigantic as mine. sometimes i rasa i need to see a shrink before something bad happens. i feel that i'm not emotionally stable at the moment. i juz hate the feeling and emotions that i have rite now.
p/s: happy belated 34th birthday K...wherever u may be...