Tuesday, November 28, 2006

A conversation that I had with someone closest to me made me berfikir over the past few days. In fact, I’m still thinking about it.

Kadang-kadang kita melakukan sesuatu perkara itu bukan atas sebab kehendak kita sendiri. Kita terpaksa melakukannya atas sebab-sebab yang terlalu peribadi untuk dikongsikan bersama. Atas perlakuan kita itu, kita sering terluka dan kecewa. Tetapi akan lebih terluka dan kecewa jika kita berkongsi sebab-sebabnya. Hidup jika perlu memuaskan hati semua yang kita sayangi atau yang pernah kita berkongsi suka dan duka adalah amat memeritkan.

Apa pun jua keputusan yang telah diambil oleh diri ini tidak pernah sama sekali ingin menyakiti hati sesiapa disekeliling. Jika ada yang terasa hati, sepuluh jari disusun memohon ampun dan maaf.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

i'm so pissed off at the mo.
something juz happened and i'm really hurt.
susahkan kalau kita ni bergantung pada sesuatu.
susahkah kalau kita ni terlalu mempercayai seseorang tu.
arrgghhh!!!! naperlah jadi mcm nie????
mcm tak percaya je benda nie boleh berlaku..
how selfish can he be!!!!!
i'm hurt n i won't be forgiving him for a long time..
raya punya maaf..kira sipi je lah!!!
arrgghh!!! hate you!!!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

that's me, 2nd from left, with my cousins.
pic was taken at bukit bandaraya, bangsar.
was i considered chubby?
do u see any resemblance with hana?
people keep telling hana that she's chubby
i think she looks ok
kids r kids, they eat what & when they want
so long as they r not obese
i have no problem with them eating
anyway, my mum would always say..

"tak baik tegur bebudak, nanti depa seruh badan"

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

received a call from an old ITM mate..she was telling me about an open house in which she attended during the weekend. juz so happened it was the house of a guy whom i befriended during my years in ITM Pahang. nothing serious went on during our friendship, juz the occasional makan-makan at the medan selera, a walk round Teruntum or juz hanging out at Teluk Chempedak. he knew i was seeing Mie. the question was, did Mie know i had a male friend who was not from the same course? i guess he knew, it was juz not being discussed.

anyway, dearest friend starting talkin about who else, me. they should have better things to talk about. he was aware of my current situation. dearest friend said that she doubt if anybody will be interested in me what more with the four kids that i have. he said it should b ok, as i came in a package..hahaha very funny, get 1 free 4. sesuka ati je. he did say he was willin to take me if nobody else wants. hahahahaha right!!!

i've never thought about finding another partner. it has only been like 1 year 9 months. men have no problem in finding another partner walaupun tanah kubur masih merah. i don't know about Mie. maybe he will be like some other men or maybe not. allahuaklam.

all i know is that i want to be with him in the after life.

Monday, November 13, 2006

another entry on farhan..farhan likes to mengadap me when i'm getting ready for work.
i letak pelembap, dia pun nak..
i letak foundation, dia pun nak..
basically apa saja yg i pun on my face..dia pun nak jugak.
kalau tak dilayan, he'll cry..which will twist my mood for the day..
hmm..got me worried jugak..
well, to comfort myself, i said to him..
jadi make up artist takpe..boleh buat duit jugak..
jgn jd lain sudah lah..
he also likes to put on my tudung & kasut..
tengok jelah aksi dia..

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Sian Farhan...he was bitten twice on the left cheek and once on his left arm. Ada this one kid baru je masuk taska tu did that to my angel. Berbekas muka dia. Mak budak tu beria2 mintak maaf (so i was told by the nenek). I don't blame the kid, yelah budak kecik apa sangat yang dia tau. Yang rasa nak marah sesangat nie pada akak-akak yang keje kat situ. Helloooooo!! Sampai 3 kali kena gigit. Tak supervise anak-anak ker? Atau sibuk sangat tengok bawang putih bawang merah???

Monday, November 6, 2006

pernah ku terpikir 'tuk pergi dan terlintas tinggalkan kau sendiri, sempat ingin sudahi sampai di sini, coba lari dari kenyataan tapi ku tak bisa jauh darimu, ku tak bisa jauh darimu. Lalu mau apa lagi kalau kita sudah gak saling mengerti, sampai kapan bertahan seperti ini, dua hati bercampur emosi, tapi ku tak bisa jauh darimu, ku tak bisa jauh darimu. Sabar aku coba sadar, sadar seharusnya kita sadar, kau dan aku tercipta gak boleh terpisah. Slank ~ Ku Tak Bisa

In the early years of our marriage, we went through a rough time. We were both young and hot headed. We both had our egos. He was more laid back. There were so many things that I thought needed to be done and given attention to, totally opposite of what he thought. Being young and not much experience and patience, there were couple of times when I wanted to back out from the marriage. Well, I'm glad I didn't go thru with it. I could'nt really blame him for all the wrongs that he did. He was the only son in the family. Thus, he was pampered and spoilt. He was a mama's boy. Me being the youngest in the family, selalu have things my way too. So u can imagine the aura(s) that we both had.

A dear friend of mine has called and smsed me a few times, complaining or rather letting out her frustration on dearest hubby. It is not her intention to bad-mouth her hubby, sometimes she juz needed someone to talk to. I don't blame her. I don't give out much advices since I don't consider myself miss-know-all-in-marital-problems. I can only lend my ears and shoulders. Adalah sekali sekala told her of what I did when I got into the same situation as hers.

I was told marriages selalunya akan rocky for the first few years as we are in the stage of getting to know each other better. Even though u've known the person for like a long time before officially being married, there are things that only surface after the first few months of marriage. Perkahwinan memerlukan kesabaran dan persefahaman. Insya Allah, i think u will get thru all of the obstacles. Kadang-kadang syaitan suka mempermainkan perasaan kita. U know what i miss most now that he's gone? I miss having fights with him. Walaupun i selalu mengadu sana sini tapi deep down in my heart i still love him. I bet u feel the same way about dearest hubby. It's like the more u fight with him, the more u understand him. Macam the entry sebelum nie, about not being perfect, bersyukurlah dengan apa yang ada and sentiasa berdoa semoga u tabah melalui apa jua dugaan. Dia tak akan menduga u kalau Dia tahu u tak boleh handle. There are ways to overcome cuma u perlu tau how to handle them. Cewah, talking like some pro.

I'll always b around for u, like u've been there for me...u know who u r.

Sunday, November 5, 2006

aku yang lemah tanpamu
aku yang rentan karena
cinta yang tlah hilang darimu
yang mampu menyanjungku
selama mata terbuka
sampai jantung tak berdetak
selama itu pun
aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

kutemukan hidupku
bagiku kau lah cinta sejati
bila yang tertulis untukku

adalah yang terbaik untukmu
kan kujadikan kau kenangan
yang terindah dalam hidupku
namun takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupku
yang tlah terukir abadi sebagai kenangan yang terindah ~ samsons

Friday, November 3, 2006

Received a sms from a friend a couple of days ago, well, she was more like a sister to me. She had planned out something for this weekend and had asked me to help her out on a thing. She did not say what the whole plan was but I got the feeling it had something to do with someone whom she really cared for. I was ok with it.

She called me up last nite. I was actually about to get some rest due to a headache, but sisterhood comes first. The plan couldn't be carried out after all. There was a change in itinerary. Hmm, so i guessed right. It did have something to do with him. She sounded disappointed for having to cancel the plan. Sian dia. She was really looking forward to it. Yelah, after how many months of not seeing each other. I think I heard it right, she said something about making a trip to see him. Heellooo!! bukan antara negeri ngan negeri, it was like another country. Ahaks. Things that people do in the name of love.

I've got nothing against what she intends to do. Heck, i did some pretty stupid things too back then. I'm not gonna list what I did but I sure hope none of my kids will ever do those things to me. Masa tu I was so in love and would do anything for him. Bila dah mature sket nie, I laughed back and mengucap panjang. I know I wouldn't in a million years do it again. Some of them were actually very dangerous and could cost me my life.

So gal, if u r reading this, juz go ahead and do what u think is best. Jgn fikirkan pasal apa org nak cakap. Get it off your chest. What ever happens later, juz hope for the best. I'm not gonna judge u. (as what some people did to me)

Thursday, November 2, 2006

It has been a week since Raya. Life's back to normal. Spent my raya back in mak's hometown, Alor Setar. Drove back with kids n mum on eve of Deepa. It was one tiring journey. Kena berenti a few times, mata nie rasa berat sangat. Kalau Mie was around, could have taken turns with him. Not like he had any driving license tapi bolehlah drive. This is my 1st raya away from KL lepas Mie takde. MIL ada mention of wanting to bring along 2 of my kids for raya in Kelantan. Hmm..me x respond pun. Can't imagine my raya without them, walaupun naughty tapi they r still my kids.

Since me balik few days before raya, had a feast during bukak puasa. Kuih-kuih masya Allah, murah sesangat. Where else can u get kuih keria, mini karipap and kuih kacang for 10 cents each?? Cucur badak for 20 cents each. Wah! makan sakan. Ah! Not forgetting the ever so delicious murtabak from Kuala Sungai. Table for six was full with food that we had to make it ala-buffet. Takde tempat nak really duduk makan kat meja tu. Sian plak tengok my BILs semua keliling meja nak bukak pose. Almost everybody was there except for Abg's family. Katanya anak-anak x dapat cuti lama.

Satu-satunya rumah kat Lorong Menteri 2 yang havoc petang & malam raya. Petang raya havoc kat dapur with my sisters cooking, later by my nieces. Malam raya, we had a blast with mercun(s). Me went shopping for bunga api & mercun for the kids n cuzens at a nearby shop. The fireworks were not displayed, kena bertanya pada tuan kedai. Rasa macam beli benda terlarang lah plak. My kids had fun, semua ada except for farhan. He slept early. Mie used to buy the fireworks for the kids, so i guess it is fair for me to treat them too. He was more advanced. Macam-macam dia beli, yelah lelaki..nak yg lagi power. As for me, harap2 the kids are satisfied with apa yg ada.

Come pagi raya, the usual get together for all untuk salam & beraya. Before heading out to the living room with the rest, had a private moment with the kids to beraya. Firdaus is one sentimental boy. Baru pegang my hands, dia dah in tears. Apa lagi, bila dah nampak mata dia berair, me pun lagi bertambah sedih. He could not utter a word pasal nak menahan air mata dia. It was so sad. Lepas tu one by one of them had tears in their eyes. Farhan je mcm blank naperlah we all nie tersedu-sedan.

Lepas tu we had our usual rounds to rumah makcik(s) yang ada. The food was heavenly, especially Wa's pulut kacau and kuih bangkit tradisional, they were out of this world. I've always looked forward to food at Wa's place.

No activities for 2nd daya of raya, stayed at home and watched tv. Kalau Mie was around dah tentu tawaf Alor Setar. He had friends sana sini, those yang me x pernah tau pun wujud. Kids were happy juz playing with cuzens. Basically that was my raya. It was still missing something tapi we got thru it.

Share something given via SMS..still not too late kan?

..for my wrong deeds, for my hurtful words, for jokes u can't take & for advise u can't accept, my humble apologies..Salam Eid Mubarak ...to all.

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

dapat nie thru YM sebelum raya, interesting..

(10/7/2006 5:58:48 PM): tak perlu m'cari teman secantik balqis andai diri tak sehebat sulaiman, mengapa m'harap teman setampan yusoff jika kasih tak setulus zulaikha, tak perlu mencari teman2 seteguh ibrahim andai diri tak sekuat hajar dan mengapa mengharap teman sesempurna MUHAMMAD andai diri ada keburukan pada dirimu, bimbingilah dirinya dan terimalah kekurangan itu sebagai kekurangan, carilah kebaikan pada dirinya serta bersyukur kerna dipertemukan dengannya dan berdoalah dia milik kite selama2nya.
yup wlaupun dia tak sekaya ... , tak sebijak ..., tak seperti ..., i still loved him.