Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I tend to worry too much. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been worrying about me leaving the kids; worrying of what will happen to them. Firdaus has repeatedly asked to sleep over at the grandma’s house and I’ve managed to persuade him to come home with me. Don’t know how long it will last though. I have this fear of something happening in the middle of the night. With Firdaus not around, will I be able to handle the three little angels alone? What if I were to pass away just like Mie did? Will Faris know what to do? How will Hana & Han react?

I’ve not had much sleep over the past couple of weeks. My panic attack is occurring more often. Every time my eyes gets tired and am about to doze off, I would be waken up with my heart beating as if I’ve just ran the 100-meter. Wonder how long will it last this time?

Another thing that has been bugging my mind was the statement given by Hana the other night. She was in her own world sitting behind me in the car when out of the blue she said “Nanti bila papa balik, Hana nak ikut papa. Hana tak nak ikut mama”. I exchanged looks with Firdaus who was sitting next to me.

Now, was that a sign saying that she’ll be leaving me soon or was it just Hana being Hana? Ever since Mie left us, I’ve been this person who worries too much over little things. I’ve heard stories of how Mie said and did things that indicated he was going away. It did not hit us until he left. Now here I am worrying whether that was a sign by Hana. I’m not ready to lose another person, not at this moment. I hope and pray to Allah that my children will all be safe and that they will grow up in good health and lead a happy life. I hope and pray to Allah that I will live to see the day.

Friday, August 4, 2006

Firdaus (in black) with cousin, Bazlan. A couple of days ago, while I was getting ready for work, Firdaus came up to me with a question “Mama, apa tu mimpi basah?” I was like huh? Quite stunned, I chose to ignore his question. He continued, “abang dah mimpi basah blum?” Macam mana abang nak tau kalau abang dah?” At this point, I was thinking, ok just come out with anything Amal, anything to delay his curiosity. I told him “Abang, bila sampai masa nanti, abang tahulah”. From the look on his face I was sure he had a lot of other questions that he wished to ask. I quickly told him to get ready for school as we were running late.
Looks like I have to prepare myself for further enquiries.... anak papa dah besar.