Monday, March 27, 2006

Parenthood is not easy..apatah lagi when u r handling it alone. I'm finding it very hard to communicate with Firdaus. I don't know what's on his mind, what he feels and what he thinks most of the times. He's juz 9 years of age and yet I feel as if I don't know him. It's like he's living in his own world.

I love him. So much that it hurts when he juz ignores me. It hurts when he speaks to others of his feelings rather than to me. It hurts when he looks up to someone else but not me. It truly hurts.

Am i not a good parent? Have I been a bad mother? He's 9 and barely speaks and listens to me..what will happen when he reaches his teen years?

Had a miscommunication with him this morning. I feel bad for saying something that I know I should have not said..it's juz at times, his behaviour can really test my patience.

I love you Firdaus and I hope one of these days, we can really sit down and talk.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

"It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them."

I saw this quote in an email this morning. How true. It is very hard to forget and yet juz a day to love.

I don't update my blog that often..juz when i'm feeling down or when I miss him like crazie. Crazie enough to listen to a chinese band - Beyond singing early in the morning. This was his favourite group i guess. He had the cds & vcd. He even had the songs as his ringtones. Actually i think the song represent his special group of friends. I even heard one of his friends having one of the songs as his ringtones too - for friends in Sentul.

Yesterday I saw him riding his motorbike behind me. He was smiling at me. I was shocked and nearly hit the car in front. I quickly took control.. a deep breath and looked in the rear mirror again. He was gone. My hands were trembling. It was as if he was juz there a few minutes ago. Ya Allah..besarnya dugaanMu.

Beyond..i don't understand a single word of your singing...n yet this is the 2nd cd that i'm listening to.

Papa..life is tough..tougher than before.
I'm not as strong as I used to be...
...not as brave as I used to be...
...not as bold as I used to be...
...I am juz not...
...me.