Tuesday, December 19, 2006

my day was brighten with a lunch date...with an old friend (an old flame u may ask?)..hahaha not telling
as i was not feeling myself for the past couple of weeks, i was really looking forward to this day
we've been keepin in touch via sms
i was a nervous wreck before lunch, had butterflies in my stomach..like it was my 1st date or better still 1st blind date..hahaha
we had lunch nearby..we talked, laughed, joke around bout the people dearest in our lives
towards the end of lunch, we were on the topic of our personal lifes..after all the laughing we had, it was kind of depressing
then it was over..we said our goodbyes..it was sad to have spent only an hour plus together..
well even though it was a short meet up, i truly enjoyed it..
u made my day dearie, thanx for the lunch and precious moments.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Loneliness is a crappy feeling. I hate it.
What was supposed to be a fun day out backfired.
Why am I feeling the way that I’m feeling now?

Saturday, December 9, 2006

h a p p y 3 2 n d b i r t h d a y A M A L .
t h e b i g g e s t
b i r t h d a y b a s h e v a
h a h a h a . .
s a m e d a t e a s S T ' s f a m i l y d a y a t A F a m o s a

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

A conversation that I had with someone closest to me made me berfikir over the past few days. In fact, I’m still thinking about it.

Kadang-kadang kita melakukan sesuatu perkara itu bukan atas sebab kehendak kita sendiri. Kita terpaksa melakukannya atas sebab-sebab yang terlalu peribadi untuk dikongsikan bersama. Atas perlakuan kita itu, kita sering terluka dan kecewa. Tetapi akan lebih terluka dan kecewa jika kita berkongsi sebab-sebabnya. Hidup jika perlu memuaskan hati semua yang kita sayangi atau yang pernah kita berkongsi suka dan duka adalah amat memeritkan.

Apa pun jua keputusan yang telah diambil oleh diri ini tidak pernah sama sekali ingin menyakiti hati sesiapa disekeliling. Jika ada yang terasa hati, sepuluh jari disusun memohon ampun dan maaf.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

i'm so pissed off at the mo.
something juz happened and i'm really hurt.
susahkan kalau kita ni bergantung pada sesuatu.
susahkah kalau kita ni terlalu mempercayai seseorang tu.
arrgghhh!!!! naperlah jadi mcm nie????
mcm tak percaya je benda nie boleh berlaku..
how selfish can he be!!!!!
i'm hurt n i won't be forgiving him for a long time..
raya punya maaf..kira sipi je lah!!!
arrgghh!!! hate you!!!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

that's me, 2nd from left, with my cousins.
pic was taken at bukit bandaraya, bangsar.
was i considered chubby?
do u see any resemblance with hana?
people keep telling hana that she's chubby
i think she looks ok
kids r kids, they eat what & when they want
so long as they r not obese
i have no problem with them eating
anyway, my mum would always say..

"tak baik tegur bebudak, nanti depa seruh badan"

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

received a call from an old ITM mate..she was telling me about an open house in which she attended during the weekend. juz so happened it was the house of a guy whom i befriended during my years in ITM Pahang. nothing serious went on during our friendship, juz the occasional makan-makan at the medan selera, a walk round Teruntum or juz hanging out at Teluk Chempedak. he knew i was seeing Mie. the question was, did Mie know i had a male friend who was not from the same course? i guess he knew, it was juz not being discussed.

anyway, dearest friend starting talkin about who else, me. they should have better things to talk about. he was aware of my current situation. dearest friend said that she doubt if anybody will be interested in me what more with the four kids that i have. he said it should b ok, as i came in a package..hahaha very funny, get 1 free 4. sesuka ati je. he did say he was willin to take me if nobody else wants. hahahahaha right!!!

i've never thought about finding another partner. it has only been like 1 year 9 months. men have no problem in finding another partner walaupun tanah kubur masih merah. i don't know about Mie. maybe he will be like some other men or maybe not. allahuaklam.

all i know is that i want to be with him in the after life.

Monday, November 13, 2006

another entry on farhan..farhan likes to mengadap me when i'm getting ready for work.
i letak pelembap, dia pun nak..
i letak foundation, dia pun nak..
basically apa saja yg i pun on my face..dia pun nak jugak.
kalau tak dilayan, he'll cry..which will twist my mood for the day..
hmm..got me worried jugak..
well, to comfort myself, i said to him..
jadi make up artist takpe..boleh buat duit jugak..
jgn jd lain sudah lah..
he also likes to put on my tudung & kasut..
tengok jelah aksi dia..

Tuesday, November 7, 2006

Sian Farhan...he was bitten twice on the left cheek and once on his left arm. Ada this one kid baru je masuk taska tu did that to my angel. Berbekas muka dia. Mak budak tu beria2 mintak maaf (so i was told by the nenek). I don't blame the kid, yelah budak kecik apa sangat yang dia tau. Yang rasa nak marah sesangat nie pada akak-akak yang keje kat situ. Helloooooo!! Sampai 3 kali kena gigit. Tak supervise anak-anak ker? Atau sibuk sangat tengok bawang putih bawang merah???

Monday, November 6, 2006

pernah ku terpikir 'tuk pergi dan terlintas tinggalkan kau sendiri, sempat ingin sudahi sampai di sini, coba lari dari kenyataan tapi ku tak bisa jauh darimu, ku tak bisa jauh darimu. Lalu mau apa lagi kalau kita sudah gak saling mengerti, sampai kapan bertahan seperti ini, dua hati bercampur emosi, tapi ku tak bisa jauh darimu, ku tak bisa jauh darimu. Sabar aku coba sadar, sadar seharusnya kita sadar, kau dan aku tercipta gak boleh terpisah. Slank ~ Ku Tak Bisa

In the early years of our marriage, we went through a rough time. We were both young and hot headed. We both had our egos. He was more laid back. There were so many things that I thought needed to be done and given attention to, totally opposite of what he thought. Being young and not much experience and patience, there were couple of times when I wanted to back out from the marriage. Well, I'm glad I didn't go thru with it. I could'nt really blame him for all the wrongs that he did. He was the only son in the family. Thus, he was pampered and spoilt. He was a mama's boy. Me being the youngest in the family, selalu have things my way too. So u can imagine the aura(s) that we both had.

A dear friend of mine has called and smsed me a few times, complaining or rather letting out her frustration on dearest hubby. It is not her intention to bad-mouth her hubby, sometimes she juz needed someone to talk to. I don't blame her. I don't give out much advices since I don't consider myself miss-know-all-in-marital-problems. I can only lend my ears and shoulders. Adalah sekali sekala told her of what I did when I got into the same situation as hers.

I was told marriages selalunya akan rocky for the first few years as we are in the stage of getting to know each other better. Even though u've known the person for like a long time before officially being married, there are things that only surface after the first few months of marriage. Perkahwinan memerlukan kesabaran dan persefahaman. Insya Allah, i think u will get thru all of the obstacles. Kadang-kadang syaitan suka mempermainkan perasaan kita. U know what i miss most now that he's gone? I miss having fights with him. Walaupun i selalu mengadu sana sini tapi deep down in my heart i still love him. I bet u feel the same way about dearest hubby. It's like the more u fight with him, the more u understand him. Macam the entry sebelum nie, about not being perfect, bersyukurlah dengan apa yang ada and sentiasa berdoa semoga u tabah melalui apa jua dugaan. Dia tak akan menduga u kalau Dia tahu u tak boleh handle. There are ways to overcome cuma u perlu tau how to handle them. Cewah, talking like some pro.

I'll always b around for u, like u've been there for me...u know who u r.

Sunday, November 5, 2006

aku yang lemah tanpamu
aku yang rentan karena
cinta yang tlah hilang darimu
yang mampu menyanjungku
selama mata terbuka
sampai jantung tak berdetak
selama itu pun
aku mampu tuk mengenangmu

kutemukan hidupku
bagiku kau lah cinta sejati
bila yang tertulis untukku

adalah yang terbaik untukmu
kan kujadikan kau kenangan
yang terindah dalam hidupku
namun takkan mudah bagiku
meninggalkan jejak hidupku
yang tlah terukir abadi sebagai kenangan yang terindah ~ samsons

Friday, November 3, 2006

Received a sms from a friend a couple of days ago, well, she was more like a sister to me. She had planned out something for this weekend and had asked me to help her out on a thing. She did not say what the whole plan was but I got the feeling it had something to do with someone whom she really cared for. I was ok with it.

She called me up last nite. I was actually about to get some rest due to a headache, but sisterhood comes first. The plan couldn't be carried out after all. There was a change in itinerary. Hmm, so i guessed right. It did have something to do with him. She sounded disappointed for having to cancel the plan. Sian dia. She was really looking forward to it. Yelah, after how many months of not seeing each other. I think I heard it right, she said something about making a trip to see him. Heellooo!! bukan antara negeri ngan negeri, it was like another country. Ahaks. Things that people do in the name of love.

I've got nothing against what she intends to do. Heck, i did some pretty stupid things too back then. I'm not gonna list what I did but I sure hope none of my kids will ever do those things to me. Masa tu I was so in love and would do anything for him. Bila dah mature sket nie, I laughed back and mengucap panjang. I know I wouldn't in a million years do it again. Some of them were actually very dangerous and could cost me my life.

So gal, if u r reading this, juz go ahead and do what u think is best. Jgn fikirkan pasal apa org nak cakap. Get it off your chest. What ever happens later, juz hope for the best. I'm not gonna judge u. (as what some people did to me)

Thursday, November 2, 2006

It has been a week since Raya. Life's back to normal. Spent my raya back in mak's hometown, Alor Setar. Drove back with kids n mum on eve of Deepa. It was one tiring journey. Kena berenti a few times, mata nie rasa berat sangat. Kalau Mie was around, could have taken turns with him. Not like he had any driving license tapi bolehlah drive. This is my 1st raya away from KL lepas Mie takde. MIL ada mention of wanting to bring along 2 of my kids for raya in Kelantan. Hmm..me x respond pun. Can't imagine my raya without them, walaupun naughty tapi they r still my kids.

Since me balik few days before raya, had a feast during bukak puasa. Kuih-kuih masya Allah, murah sesangat. Where else can u get kuih keria, mini karipap and kuih kacang for 10 cents each?? Cucur badak for 20 cents each. Wah! makan sakan. Ah! Not forgetting the ever so delicious murtabak from Kuala Sungai. Table for six was full with food that we had to make it ala-buffet. Takde tempat nak really duduk makan kat meja tu. Sian plak tengok my BILs semua keliling meja nak bukak pose. Almost everybody was there except for Abg's family. Katanya anak-anak x dapat cuti lama.

Satu-satunya rumah kat Lorong Menteri 2 yang havoc petang & malam raya. Petang raya havoc kat dapur with my sisters cooking, later by my nieces. Malam raya, we had a blast with mercun(s). Me went shopping for bunga api & mercun for the kids n cuzens at a nearby shop. The fireworks were not displayed, kena bertanya pada tuan kedai. Rasa macam beli benda terlarang lah plak. My kids had fun, semua ada except for farhan. He slept early. Mie used to buy the fireworks for the kids, so i guess it is fair for me to treat them too. He was more advanced. Macam-macam dia beli, yelah lelaki..nak yg lagi power. As for me, harap2 the kids are satisfied with apa yg ada.

Come pagi raya, the usual get together for all untuk salam & beraya. Before heading out to the living room with the rest, had a private moment with the kids to beraya. Firdaus is one sentimental boy. Baru pegang my hands, dia dah in tears. Apa lagi, bila dah nampak mata dia berair, me pun lagi bertambah sedih. He could not utter a word pasal nak menahan air mata dia. It was so sad. Lepas tu one by one of them had tears in their eyes. Farhan je mcm blank naperlah we all nie tersedu-sedan.

Lepas tu we had our usual rounds to rumah makcik(s) yang ada. The food was heavenly, especially Wa's pulut kacau and kuih bangkit tradisional, they were out of this world. I've always looked forward to food at Wa's place.

No activities for 2nd daya of raya, stayed at home and watched tv. Kalau Mie was around dah tentu tawaf Alor Setar. He had friends sana sini, those yang me x pernah tau pun wujud. Kids were happy juz playing with cuzens. Basically that was my raya. It was still missing something tapi we got thru it.

Share something given via SMS..still not too late kan?

..for my wrong deeds, for my hurtful words, for jokes u can't take & for advise u can't accept, my humble apologies..Salam Eid Mubarak ...to all.

Wednesday, November 1, 2006

dapat nie thru YM sebelum raya, interesting..

(10/7/2006 5:58:48 PM): tak perlu m'cari teman secantik balqis andai diri tak sehebat sulaiman, mengapa m'harap teman setampan yusoff jika kasih tak setulus zulaikha, tak perlu mencari teman2 seteguh ibrahim andai diri tak sekuat hajar dan mengapa mengharap teman sesempurna MUHAMMAD andai diri ada keburukan pada dirimu, bimbingilah dirinya dan terimalah kekurangan itu sebagai kekurangan, carilah kebaikan pada dirinya serta bersyukur kerna dipertemukan dengannya dan berdoalah dia milik kite selama2nya.
yup wlaupun dia tak sekaya ... , tak sebijak ..., tak seperti ..., i still loved him.

Monday, October 9, 2006

my all time fav. i've got a couple of entries that are still sitting in the draft section, so in the mean time..enjoy this..

Friday, September 29, 2006

Kadang-kadang hati nie berdetik jahat. Mempersoalkan kejadianNya. Berdosakah diri ini memikirkan permasalahan yang bertandang tanpa pernah kenal erti jemu. Adakah aku yang pergi mencari permasalahan itu? Andaikata aku mengambil langkah lain, akan berubahkah kehidupan ku? Adakah ini satu pembalasan dariNya bagi segala kekhilafan ku dulu? Tanpa ku undang, segala perbuatan lampau ku kembali bermain-main di minda. Alam remaja yang penuh fantasi dan keinginan untuk turut serta menjadi mainan kepala ku kini.

Aku tidak berbangga dengan apa yang telah aku lakukan. Tidak pernah sekali aku bercerita tentang kehidupan ku di masa lampau. Bagi mereka yang mengenaliku, mereka akan mengerti.

Aku mohon pada Tuhan agar melindungi anak-anak aku dari segala dugaan duniawi ini. Aku tidak mahu mereka melalui apa yang telah aku lalui dulu. Kata orang tua-tua, kiranya kita berkata mengenai keburukan seseorang atau kiranya kita pernah melakukan sesuatu yang buruk, akhirnya akan berpatah balik kepada kita. Jika tidak secara tepat kepada kita, kepada anak cucu kita.

Dunia blogging telah membuka mata ku kepada dugaan duniawi yang lebih hebat. Melihatkan anak-anak remaja Melayu menjalani kehidupan yang bebas dan melampaui batas-batas norma sebagai seorang hamba Allah membuat aku mengucap panjang dan berdoa moga anak-anak ku dilindungiNya dan senantiasa diberi petunjukNya.

Aku tidak sempurna namun aku sudah matang dalam menilai apa yang betul dan apa yang salah. Aku tidak mengaku alim namun aku sudah sedar. Aku tidak berubah..aku tetap diriku cuma lebih baik dari yang dulu.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

It has hit me. At the age of 31, my BP naik dari the normal. My BP has always been normal and stable. One dok enjoy food like nobody's business. So bila dr. pagi tadi kata BP slightly high and perlu control my food intake, i was quite surprised. Hopefully this is juz a temporary situation. I would hate to have to worry what not to eat. Maybe it's due to the stress that I had yesterday.

I was given two days of MC, today and tomorrow. Secara kebetulan, Sogo nye preview sale starts tomorrow. Hahahaha, ni yang rasa nak tumbuh tanduk nie.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

sabar mal sabar..

Anak-anak anugerah Allah yang tidak ternilai. Cara ibubapa membesarkan anak-anak ini akan menentukan keperibadian dan masa depan mereka. Ya Allah, berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk menempuh dugaan dalam membesarkan anak-anak ini. Kau tetapkanlah keimanan aku dan berikanlah aku tahap kesabaran yang tinggi semoga aku dapat membesarkan dan memberi mereka perhatian dan pengajaran yang sewajarnya.

One agak stress pagi-pagi nie. Stress ngan anak-anak. Ya Allah, betapa pagi ini betul-betul menguji kesabaran One. Bermula dengan Firdaus yang perlu dikejutkan untuk mandi & solat. Setiap 5 minit, One akan panggil nama dan setiap kali tu jugaklah dia akan mengiyakan tapi tanpa bergerak dari tempat tidornya. Ish! geramnya. Kemudian bersangkut pulak ngan si kecik Farhan yang selalu je merengek semenjak 2 menjak nie. One hanya mampu masuk ke bilik air sekejap sahaja untuk membersihkan diri. Bagi mereka yang masih bujang, duduklah lama-lama dalam bilik air tu selagi boleh. Bila dah beranak esok, sekejap jelah jawabnya. Farhana & Faris berebut mainan yang satu. Dalam banyak-banyak mainan yang ada, gelung besi kecik tu jugalah yang nak direbutkan. Asalnya gelung tu milik Faris, tapi Farhana ni suka nak conquer semua. Last-last jadi mcm kunyit & kapur di pagi hari.

Bila minta dipulangkan pada Faris, Farhana pulak yang berorchestra pepagi nie. One rasa rumah yang paling havoc pagi ni adalah rumah One. Kira macam alarm clock bagi neighbours lain. Bila semua dah siap dekat luar rumah, Farhana dari berorchestra ke adegan merajuk. Wow! boleh tahan jugak minah nie, serupa batu ada dalam jugak duduk. Selepas dia tak nak juga bergerak dari dalam rumah, One tutup saje pintu rumah, lagilah kuat raungan dia tapi sudah bergerak untuk keluar. Susah jugak anak dara sorang nie. Besar nanti macam mana lah pulak perangai dia.

Masuk je dalam kereta, semua senyap kerana tau One sedang marah dan tense. Firdaus pulak terlupa stokin dia. Ish, One nie punyelah siap awal untuk pastikan boleh keluar rumah awal untuk hantar dia ke sekolah. Ni mulalah nak membebel lagi.

Kalau One tak bersabar, mau ada yang merasa penangan...

Monday, September 11, 2006

I accidentally saw Faris kissing it
After which, he just sat and gazed at the pic
It was a touching moment
Noticing me approaching, he quickly placed it back in the book
Nothing was said then
It's a bookmark I've made out of Mie's pic during our courting days.

Friday, September 8, 2006

Current mood:

Missed being in love and being loved.

~ I’ve watched Hindi movies more than I have in the last two years
~ I’m addicted to Keranamu Kekasih by Tiara & Stephen
~ I sleep, eat, live & breathe around love songs these days
~ Prefer to be in my own world
~ Maybe I am still under his so-called ‘spell’

Feeling so down……..

Haruskah ku mati karena mu Terkubur dalam kesedihan sepanjang waktu Haruskah kurelakan hidupku Hanya demi cinta yg mungkin bisa membunuh ku Hentikan denyut nadi jantung ku Tanpa kautau betapa suci hatiku Untuk memiliki mu ~ Ada Band Haruskah Aku Mati

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I tend to worry too much. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been worrying about me leaving the kids; worrying of what will happen to them. Firdaus has repeatedly asked to sleep over at the grandma’s house and I’ve managed to persuade him to come home with me. Don’t know how long it will last though. I have this fear of something happening in the middle of the night. With Firdaus not around, will I be able to handle the three little angels alone? What if I were to pass away just like Mie did? Will Faris know what to do? How will Hana & Han react?

I’ve not had much sleep over the past couple of weeks. My panic attack is occurring more often. Every time my eyes gets tired and am about to doze off, I would be waken up with my heart beating as if I’ve just ran the 100-meter. Wonder how long will it last this time?

Another thing that has been bugging my mind was the statement given by Hana the other night. She was in her own world sitting behind me in the car when out of the blue she said “Nanti bila papa balik, Hana nak ikut papa. Hana tak nak ikut mama”. I exchanged looks with Firdaus who was sitting next to me.

Now, was that a sign saying that she’ll be leaving me soon or was it just Hana being Hana? Ever since Mie left us, I’ve been this person who worries too much over little things. I’ve heard stories of how Mie said and did things that indicated he was going away. It did not hit us until he left. Now here I am worrying whether that was a sign by Hana. I’m not ready to lose another person, not at this moment. I hope and pray to Allah that my children will all be safe and that they will grow up in good health and lead a happy life. I hope and pray to Allah that I will live to see the day.

Friday, August 4, 2006

Firdaus (in black) with cousin, Bazlan. A couple of days ago, while I was getting ready for work, Firdaus came up to me with a question “Mama, apa tu mimpi basah?” I was like huh? Quite stunned, I chose to ignore his question. He continued, “abang dah mimpi basah blum?” Macam mana abang nak tau kalau abang dah?” At this point, I was thinking, ok just come out with anything Amal, anything to delay his curiosity. I told him “Abang, bila sampai masa nanti, abang tahulah”. From the look on his face I was sure he had a lot of other questions that he wished to ask. I quickly told him to get ready for school as we were running late.
Looks like I have to prepare myself for further enquiries.... anak papa dah besar.

Monday, July 31, 2006

I love my kids, I really do. It is just at times; they really get on my nerves. Being cooped up in the house with them over the weekend was just too much. The constant arguing, shouting and crying were a welcome to headache and heartache. I wonder how those people who run or work at a care center could stand the entire racket?

It was maybe due to these that I broke down when his friend, W.D, approached me late yesterday evening. Seeing his face brought back memories. W.D. used to help send back the kids when Mie was unable to. W.D. sometimes was even the delivery person for the food that I ordered from Mie. I often scolded Mie for asking W.D to run all of his errands. Mie said W.D did not mind. W.D. is just helping out his brother, Mie would say.

I could not face W.D. last night. It just hurts. W.D. being the usual brother, offered to help out. He reminded me to call him up whenever I need his help or whenever I feel the need to talk. He said he doesn’t mind going out with me just for the sake of accompanying me, should I need one. Hahaha. That’ll be the day the makciks will start yapping.

I guess I’m being too sensitive over certain things. Just the other day, K whom I was constantly keeping in touch after Mie left, called my MIL. He called to talk about Mie’s birthday that had just passed. I answered the call and he said nothing to me. I was hurt and taken back. Was I being childish? Was I wrong to feel that way? I could not bring myself to tell him that I was sad and angry. It was just something stupid. However, a week went by and I could not hold myself any longer. I smsed him jokingly saying that I was sad that he did not remember me and so on. He replied the reason for not saying anything to me was because he did not want me to feel sad. Hah! Right! By not doing so, I was even sadder. Anyway, I was supposed to call him at the office a couple of days ago and I’ve not done so. He must be wondering why.

I guess I was not really sad or angry at the fact that I was not spoken to on that particular day. Maybe it was the attention that I wanted. I’ve always managed to grab Mie’s attention with all sorts of things and dos. I guess I’m missing that.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

It was suppose to be our anniversary..

Antara tawa dan airmata
tersimpan satu rahsia
antara dua insan
berjanji sehidup semati
suka duka dilalui bersama
mengharap sinar berlarutan
hingga ke senja
kasih sayang serta belaian mesra
dipupuk dibaja sentiasa
itulah rahsia kebahagiaan antara dua jiwa.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

I hate seeing other people happy

I hate hearing the word h****
I hate people who looked down on divorcee

I hate walking round in KL

I hate meeting up with people who talks only of themselves

I hate the life that I’m going thru

I hate reality

I hate people who like to joke around about me

I hate the feeling that I’m experiencing at the mo
I hate it… I hate it… I hate it…

Thursday, June 22, 2006

This was the 1st raya spent after we became husband & wife. This pic was taken at SS18 Subang Jaya. I was going thru some old pics last nite bcoz I couldn't sleep and found this terselit in between photos. We rarely took photos together. This was one of those rare occasions.
The two men in my life are no longer here. I remembered mak saying
"hmm amal, pinggan lawa-lawa nie kita nak pakai hidang untuk sapa? dah tak ada yang istimewa".

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

This pic was taken at 6.00 am. The moon was full, weather was cold.
I was in my usual mood.
This pic reminded me of two things.
First, my little Hana who would shout "Papa! Papa!" everytime she sees the moon.
Secondly, this is the same spot that Mie spent everyday without fail a couple of weeks before he left us.
Wonder what was going thru his mind then.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Now I know why u didn’t really like the person

And to think that I once blamed u for not trying

Forgive me sayang

I now know how u felt

If I could turn back the clock, I would

Believe me, I really would

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

Dalam life nie kita selalu jadi manusia hipokrit kan?
Hipokrit untuk kegembiraan org lain..
Hipokrit untuk mengelak persoalan ..
Hipokrit untuk melarikan diri..
Hipokrit untuk elak pergaduhan..

Sampai bila kita harus menjadi hipokrit?
Sampai bila kita harus senyum sedangkan hati terluka?
Sampai bila kita harus biarkan diri kita dikata, dikutuk secara terang-terangan?
Sampai bila?

At this mo, all I want to do is..
Get away from everything, everyone..
I want to be all alone..Nak hang out with me, myself & I.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

baru-baru nie..

MIL: Lama dah nenek tak pergi kubur papa..Ari tu Faris dengan mama pergi ramai orang tak?
Faris: Ramai nek.
MIL: Ye ke Faris? ..biar betul..
Faris: Ye nek, ramai...yang kat dalam kubur tu..

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

i'm not looking for sympathy..
jauh sekali attention yang tak henti-henti..
what i have here is juz my luahan hati..
One harap blog ini akan menjadi tatapan anak-anak One
apabila kelak One dijemput olehNya..
biar mereka ketahui betapa mendalamnya cinta One pada Mie..
biar mereka tahu betapa One merindui Mie..
biar mereka tahu..
biar mereka tahu dan mereka kenang..
there could never be another Mie and another papa like him..
yes, he's not the perfect friend/boyfriend/husband/father..
and neither was i a perfect friend/girlfriend/wife/mother..
yes, we had our ups and downs..we had our arguments..we had our disagreement..
that was the beauty of our friendship/love/marriage
i know at times, i would go running to my siblings..crying my eyes out..over some matters..
(which to me now... was juz somethin small)
but being hurt by someone you loved most...really truly hurts..an unbearable pain..heart shattered into million pieces..words can't describe the pain that you endure when u're hurt by your loved one..
bila orang yang kita paling sayangi pergi meninggalkan kita..kita lebih mudah mengingati saat-saat indah dan kebaikan dirinya..segala kekhilafannya..tak terlintas langsung di fikiran..bila

~masih ku merasa angkuh, terbang kenanganku jauh, langit kan menangkapku, walau kan terjatuh..dan bila semua tercipta, hanya untukku merasakan, semua yang tercipta, hampa hidup terasa..lelah tatapku mencari, arti untukku membagi, menemani langkahku, namun tak berarti..dan bila semua tercipta tanpa harus ku merasakan, cinta yang tersisa, hampa hidup terasa..bagai bintang di surga, dan seluruh warna, dan kasih yang setia, dan cahaya nyata~ bintangdisurgapeterpan ~

Thursday, May 11, 2006

i find myself too obsessed with something/someone these days..
dunno y..juz am..
escapism? hmm..
i find myself yearning to do something which i have not done for a long time..
boredom? hmm..
i find myself looking at things in a way that i've never looked before..
n i don't think it's from a positive view..
i find myself being close to someone that i once wanted to get away from..

my heart hurts ......
maybe that's why i'm doing things that sometimes puzzles me..
i'm not me.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

2nd nite in a row..
We were in the car heading home from my MIL's house..
Hana & Faris had an argument on whether Mie was at the moon..(remember Hana & the moon)
Suddenly out of the blue..
Hana said: Mama, dulu papa suka kacau mama masa mama basuh pinggan kan?
Firdaus nyampuk: Hah..mama ingat tak abang & papa selalu miss call mama masa kita kat rumah lama..
Faris pun nyampuk jugak: Abang ingat tak, masa tu kat kerusi kat tepi tv, mama & papa main-main?..

Tell me how am i not to think of him every second & every minute of the day..

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Hana bagi salam nak masuk rumah semalam..
Papa mana ada..
Papa takde lah..
Papa dah meninggal..
Papa ada..
Mana papa?..
Papa ada..tidor atas katil..
That was the conversation between Hana & Faris..

Later when i entered my room, I found myself looking hard at the bed with the lights still off..hoping to find Mie sprawled on the bed..hoping that all had happenend was juz a bad dream and I had waken up from the bad dream..

waktu terasa semakin berlalu, tinggalkan cerita tentang kita, akan tiada lagi kini tawamu, tuk hapuskan semua sepi di hati..ada cerita tentang aku dan dia, dan kita bersama saat dulu kala, ada cerita tentang masa yang indah, saat kita berduka saat kita tertawa..teringat di saat kita tertawa bersama, ceritakan semua tentang kita, ada cerita tentang aku dan dia, dan kita bersama saat dulu kala, ada cerita tentang masa yang indah, saat kita berduka saat kita tertawa..Semua Tentang Kita ~ Peterpan ~

Friday, April 14, 2006

Petang semalam masa One dalam perjalanan pulang ke rumah MIL, One terserempak dgn one of Mie's friend. He greeted me and said dia ada nak sampaikan pesanan. I thought it was going to be some pesanan from one of his other friends. Rupa-rupanya tak.

Dia kata "Abg Mie kirim salam. Dia selamat kat sana. Dia pesan banyak kan beramal & beribadah. Jgn lupa sampaikan pesanan ni pada semua". I juz nod my head and said Insya Allah. A few seconds later, he rode bypass me with a gal wrapping her arms around him on a bike.

Hmm..this was the same guy who approached me just weeks after Mie left. Dia ajak One pergi minum kat kedai mamak as dia kata dia nak cakap something with me. One masa tu dengan kepala tengah berat memikirkan macam2 ikut jelah dia. I thought he had something important to tell me.

Out of the blue, dia cakap, "Kak One sayangkan Abg Mie?" Of course lah One jawab ya. Then dia tanya lagi "Kak One ada terfikir nak cari pengganti?" Eh! Mamat nie giler ke apa bertanya soalan macam tu? One jawab, "takde masa nak fikirkan semua tu". He smiled. "Baguslah macam tu". He continued "Kak One nak jumpa Abg Mie selalu tak?" Eh! Mamat ni biar betul. I was starting to have second thoughts on this talk. Suddenly he laughed. "Ye, kalau kak One nak jumpa Abg Mie, saya boleh tolong tapi kak One kenalah banyak beribadah, bangun malam sembahyang, berzikir". "Saya selalu jumpa Abg Mie. Kadang-kadang dia gurau dengan saya macam dulu-dulu. Sekarang ni pun dia ada, dia dok kat sebelah Kak One". Now this is getting weird. Suddenly he started to laugh like Mie used to. I was feeling one kind. Is this guy for real? I started to make excuses saying that I need to make a move. He continued blabbing bout how dia selalu pergi kat kubur malam-malam sorang-sorang, pergi berzikir kat sana pastu dia pergi belajar agama and many more. Dia punya cerita macam he's a very religious person.

One boleh terima kalau orang yg memperkatakan tentang semua ini memang ternyata nampak akan kewarakan dia. Bukanlah kata One nak mempercayai benda-benda yang mengarut tapi One jugak tak boleh nak menafikan memang ada sesetengah orang yang boleh berhubung dengan dunia lain. Itu kuasa Allah Taala...allahu aklam.

Kalau orang yang menyampaikan perkara sedemikian, masih menjalani kehidupan seperti biasa..masih bergelumang dengan dosa, masih berpegang tangan, berpeluk dengan yang bukan muhrim..apa kes? (bak kata Saiful Apek).

That brief encounter with him brought back the conversation I had with him last year. One thing for sure, I did not look into his eyes when he spoke. Ntahlah, he gives me the creep.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Parenthood is not easy..apatah lagi when u r handling it alone. I'm finding it very hard to communicate with Firdaus. I don't know what's on his mind, what he feels and what he thinks most of the times. He's juz 9 years of age and yet I feel as if I don't know him. It's like he's living in his own world.

I love him. So much that it hurts when he juz ignores me. It hurts when he speaks to others of his feelings rather than to me. It hurts when he looks up to someone else but not me. It truly hurts.

Am i not a good parent? Have I been a bad mother? He's 9 and barely speaks and listens to me..what will happen when he reaches his teen years?

Had a miscommunication with him this morning. I feel bad for saying something that I know I should have not said..it's juz at times, his behaviour can really test my patience.

I love you Firdaus and I hope one of these days, we can really sit down and talk.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

"It takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them."

I saw this quote in an email this morning. How true. It is very hard to forget and yet juz a day to love.

I don't update my blog that often..juz when i'm feeling down or when I miss him like crazie. Crazie enough to listen to a chinese band - Beyond singing early in the morning. This was his favourite group i guess. He had the cds & vcd. He even had the songs as his ringtones. Actually i think the song represent his special group of friends. I even heard one of his friends having one of the songs as his ringtones too - for friends in Sentul.

Yesterday I saw him riding his motorbike behind me. He was smiling at me. I was shocked and nearly hit the car in front. I quickly took control.. a deep breath and looked in the rear mirror again. He was gone. My hands were trembling. It was as if he was juz there a few minutes ago. Ya Allah..besarnya dugaanMu.

Beyond..i don't understand a single word of your singing...n yet this is the 2nd cd that i'm listening to.

Papa..life is tough..tougher than before.
I'm not as strong as I used to be...
...not as brave as I used to be...
...not as bold as I used to be...
...I am juz not...

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Papa, kebelakangan ini mama sering terjaga dari tidor dalam ketakutan. Kerap kali mama terjaga dengan perasaan yang susah untuk mama jelaskan. Bila dah terjaga, amat payah pulak untuk mama melelapkan mata ini. Apakah yang menyebabkan mama mengalami semua ini kembali? Mama letih papa. Letih dan sedih. Kejadian ini sedikit sebanyak mempengaruhi emosi mama. Emosi mama jadi tidak stabil. Mama kesian kan Firdaus, Faris, Farhana & Farhan. Akibat emosi yang tidak stabil ini, kadangkala mama menjadi seorang yang pemarah. Marah yang teramat sangat.

Papa pergi meninggalkan kami tanpa sebarang sebab yang nyata. Mama sering terfikirkan apakah yang akan terjadi kiranya mama mengalami nasib yang sama? Apakah akan terjadi pada anak-anak papa? Bolehkah mereka duduk mengelilingi mama sementara menunggu abah atau mak sampai ke rumah? Apakah Farhan akan terus memanjat mama seperti mana dia memanjat mama semasa mama tidor? Apa akan terjadi kiranya hanya mama & Farhan saja yang berada di rumah dan sesuatu berlaku? Siapa yang akan tahu dan bila? Sekiranya apa-apa berlaku di tengah malam, adakah mama sempat berbuat apa-apa?

Arrghh!! Pelbagai perasaan dan fikiran yang bermain di dalam kepala mama sekarang ini. Setiap kali mama mendengar suara orang bergaduh atau menjerit di kawasan rumah kita, mama sudah mula merasa takut. Papa sendiri tahu mama bagaimana. Dulu papa ada untuk mententeramkan mama. Sekarang mama harus tanganinya sendiri, yang mana mama tidak mampu. Kadang-kadang mama rasa macam nak tinggalkan rumah ni, tapi kemana pulak mama nak pergi?

Sungguh ku begini, ketandusan rindu ini, mengapa ku mencari, sang penghuni syurga jiwa, berdendang suara mengusap kalbu, ku lemas dalam terpesona. Kehadiranmu menerajang kekusutan, yang lama terdapat di sini. Bagai telah dijanji, termakbullah mimpi-mimpi, hujanku menteri, terciptalah sang pelangi. Irama lagu silam mewarnakan, idaman kalbu kesampaian, bulan memancar cahaya tanpa reda, ikatan percintaan kita. Kini tercapai sudah mahkota insani, takkan bermakna benih pastikan menjadi, kerana Yang Maha Kuasa lebih menyayangi. Dikau pergi tanpa pesan, tinggalkan ku dalam kepasrahan, cintaku yang suci bagai tidak kesampaian, terputus di tengah jalan, hanya airmata doa yang dapat kuiringkan bersama, kepada yang Esa ku pohonkan semoga tempatmu disisiNya. ~ CRK..Cinta & Airmata ~

Friday, February 3, 2006

Al-Fatihah buat arwah Abg Mie Parut yang genap setahun kembali ke rahmatullah. Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat dan sejahtera hendaknya. Amin..sila sebarkan msg ini..
K..019.. 01/02/2006 08:43

Clock is ticking it never stop but life must go on.. This morning I send that sms to all his friend..1 of his pal @thai club reply a sms that touch my hear.
K..019.. 01/02/2006 21:39

Dia cakap dia rindu nak lepak sentul mcm dulu2 tp xnak sbb sentul dah hilang seri coz arwah xde. Arwah the best leader ever had. The best friend he ever know. That true 4 me..Sentul missing the great gems. I lost my good bro that I ever need.
K..019.. 01/02/2006 21:50

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Mimpi permainan tidur? Hmm..

Baru semlm One bermimpi kan arwah.

Mimpi One bermula dengan pemergian Mie. Perasaan One masa tu seperti mana yang One alami pada bulan-bulan awal lepas pemergian Mie. Memang dah jelas dan nyata Mie sudah tiada di dunia ini.

One sedang menyiapkan sesuatu pada masa itu..apa yang One buat pun One tak pasti yg pastinya di depan One ada seseorang yang sedang membuat kerja juga. Tiba-tiba dia pusing, berhenti sekejap degupan jantung nie..rasanye macam nafas tersekat…Mie berdiri di depan One…betul-betul mengejutkan One. One meluru ke arah dia..One peluk dia. One dapat rasakan kehangatan tubuh Mie..One dapat bau rambut dia seperti mana semasa dia hidup. One dapat merasa dia berada di dalam dakapan One seperti selalu.

Kami berdua menangis kegembiraan. Seolah-olah sudah lama terpisah. Seolah-olah kematian yang baru berlaku hanyalah sekadar mainan tidor... Semenjak berjumpa, kami tidak berenggang…apa saja yang dilakukan..dilakukan bersama. Indah sungguh ….sayang..ini cumalah mimpi.

Setiap kali terjaga dari tidor setelah bermimpikan Mie..One pasti keliru, sedih, gembira, rindu, letih….kerana setiap sentuhan, setiap kata, setiap perasaan yang wujud di dalam mimpi itu, seperti betul-betul berlaku di alam nyata.

Sebelum ini One pernah bermimpikan Mie..di dalam mimpi itu, One telah ditinggalkan oleh Mie untuk bersama-sama seorang wanita lain yang mempunyai seorang anak...wajah mereka tidak jelas. Adakah mimpi ini sekadar mimpi atau cuba menyampaikan sesuatu? Yang pastinya sedih yang dirasa, hingga terbawa-bawa ke luar mimpi. One terjaga sambil menangis seolah-olah ianya benar-benar belaka.