Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Semangat yang hilang...bila kita hidup berdua, semangat tu lain. Sekarang nie, One rasa semangat berani dah berkurangan. Bila buat sesuatu, One rasa tak confident. Entahlah, susah nak jelaskan..cuma yang pasti One sekarang bukan One dulu. Dari luar biaselahkan, sentiasa montel. Tapi dalam nie berbeza sungguh. Benda yang kecik pun sekarang pikir memanjang.

Baru pagi tadi terserempak ngan neighbours masa nak turun lif. Depa dok bercerita pasal selalu nampak sorang mamat nie dok naik turun tangga, tengok-tengok rumah. Pastu kadang-kadang malam-malam ada pulak yang berlagak macam guard buat round kat flat tu. Ke hulu, ke hilir bawak kayu. Entah apalah kerjanya. Ada jugak dengar cite, rumah yang kena masuk. Hmm risau pulak dibuatnya. One kat rumah tu ngan 4 orang budak tu. One pasti, lambat laun orang tu mesti perasan rumah One takde orang lelaki dewasa. Kadang- kadang tu terfikir jugak, ada ke orang nak masuk rumah kat tingkat 4 nie? Kot dia masuk melalui rumah atas, panjat masuk ke verandah..macam-macam dalam kepala nie.

Bukan setakat tu, kalau berlaku apa-apa kat rumah tu, sempat ker One nak bawa keluar budak 4 orang tu?

Air mata yang berderai, siapa yang menghapuskan..Hati kering dan gersang, siapa yang meneduhkan..Sedangkan kau yang ku sayang, telah pergi dariku..Dengan cinta dan harapan hidupku..oh sayang..Tiada lagi ku dengar kidungmu, tiada lagi derai tawamu..Hanya kesepian yang kian mencengkam jiwaku..Malam malam dingin membeku, hari hari kian kelabu..Dalam doa kudus, ku sebut namamu..Cintaku, oh Sayang..Di sisi Tuhan yang Esa..

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

This is not the first time I had this dream. But this is the first time I'm jotting it down.

Even though Mie is no longer around, I still dream of him. Sometimes the dreams are so real that when I wake up the next morning, I'll be exhausted. It's like I was with him the whole night. In the dreams that I had, we usually would juz walk round town or juz hang out at the places that we used to go. We used to hang out at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa, Lake Garden, Birds' Park, Orchid Park..believe me, we did. Sometimes, we would juz walked from Pertama to Kotaraya and back to Pertama. We did not buy much, juz walked. I usually held his arm as he doesn't like holding hands..he said..."macam budak2 je".."lagipun macam ni kan lagi mesra, lagi rapat"..hehehe. One thing I remember, we didn't talk much in the dreams. It was like what we wanted to do was spent as much time together..no need for small talk.

We even made out in my dreams. It was so real that I was in tears the moment I opened my eyes. Wonder how long this dreams will last? It has been 10 months..10 long ones.

My new office is in Maju Junction. Nearby Pertama Complex, the place where I used to spend my "zaman berkawan". Walking down the road, sure brought back a lot of memories. Sometimes while waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green, I see us walking. There we were walking, talking, laughing...

Am I going insane...losing my mind? I see him everywhere I go..to this day, I still wake up at the hours he usually came in. I still hear the motorbike being driven in the parking lot and expecting him to turn up at the door any minute.

I've never had "the dream". The dream where he's suppose to come and visit you and say nothing. Heard that my sister-in-laws has had visits from him. Hmm..wonder why he doesn't visit me? Have I not been a good wife? I'm not so certain whether I could face him in the dream..or would I juz wake up in sweats?

One thing for sure...I hope to dream of him for the rest of my life.

Keunggulan cinta dari sinar mata yang bergelora..Hati di taman berbunga satu impian, satu harapan..Sudah pasti ada sebaliknya satu rahsia..Engkau di mataku adalah cahaya perjalanan ku..Terang menyuluh segala yang tersembunyi lama ku cari..Sudah pasti ada jawapannya kemungkinan itu..Datang api senja, sedang aku merangkak dan kehausan cinta itu..Kau hulurkan tanganmu membawa ku ke atas semula..Berdoalah aku kesyukuran bersatu cinta jadi satu..biar ku tempuh segalanya, agar diteman cinta yang suci itu..

Monday, November 21, 2005

UNASCERTAINED..yang tidak dapat dipastikan (Kamus Dewan)..

Peace of mind? Questions? Reasons? Happy? Sad? Uncertain? Over?

Monday, November 7, 2005

oh kekasih hatiku selamanya..keindahan maya itu milik kita..terciptalah sebuah cinta..jiwa sama bergelora..kaulah satu dlm hidupku ini..penawar dikala rindu..kan ku curahkan seluruh cintaku padamu oh kasihku..akan ku bina istana untuk kita..dan menikmati gelombang cinta..di dadaku & di dadamu..degupan seiring irama..ayuh ku pimpinkan tanganmu..menuju mahligai bahgia..kita kan bersama mengecap nikmat cinta..hidup bagai di syurga..kaulah satu dalam hidupku ini..penawar di kala rindu..kan ku curahkan seluruh cintaku padamu oh kasihku..ayuh ku pimpinkan tanganmu menuju mahligai bahgia..kita kan bersama mengecap nikmat cinta..hidup bagai di syurga..ohoo..ohoo..ohoo..
May..Sketsa Sebuah Cinta

Tis is the the first raya without Mie. Missed him. One tak buat apa-apa preparation pun for the house. No cookies, no new curtains, no nothing. Untuk gembirakan the children, i bought them new clothes. One sendiri bought baju kurung sehari sebelum raya. One spent the raya kat Putrajaya. Went there petang raya selepas menziarah kubur. Tak duduk lama kat kubur pasal hari hujan. Kesian the kids, walaupun berpayung, tetap basah kena tempias hujan. One tak dapat nak menahan sedih bila ada kat kubur. The look on the childrens' faces. Firdaus was looking at me as my tears were rolling down my cheeks. He tried to keep his siblings quiet biler tengok mama dia sedih.

Sampai Putrajaya dah pukul 5 lebih. Maman Jit was there with the family and so was Tam's family, later on Teh & family sampai. The children had fun playing bunga api & mercun. Tok was always shouting.."baby nak tidor nie" or "tok sah dok main lah"..begitulah lebih kurang ayat dia..one thing for sure..the children had a fun time and the acara kept their minds off Mie. Bukanlah nak suruh they lupakan langsung, juz nak they 2 b happy.

I did not call my in-laws saying that I was going to be in Putrajaya and spending my first day of raya there. I didn't think that I could control myself. Mak & Abah, maafkan lah Amal. Amal tak mampu untuk bersemuka ngan Mak & Abah. Amal tahu Mak & Abah semestinya sedih pada pagi raya. Kalau Amal datang bersama-sama anak-anak, bertambahlah sedih lagi. Bukan niat Amal untuk sengaja menjauhkan diri..tapi Amal tahu setakat mana kemampuan perasaan Amal ini.

I did go to their house on the 2nd raya. Itu pun biler salam tangan Mak, my eyes started to fill up with tears..Mak peluk cakap Mak rindukan sangat pada Mie..I couldn't bring myself to say anything..i juz hugged her which what felt like a long time. Lepas tu Abah plak..of courselah I tak hug him..tapi we both could sense the sadness in us. We did not do much, juz hang around & watched some tv. Lepas tu I know I slept from 2-7 pm at Mak's house. One way of melarikan diri dari melayan perasaan ini.

Thru out my day kat my in-laws, they kept mentioning that they waited for me the whole of yesterday (1st day of raya), tried calling me on my cell tapi tak berjawab..wondering why i jawab or call them. Entahlah, i juz wanted to get away. I did not want to be in an environment yang membawa seribu satu kenangan, for the childrens' sake & also for my sake.