Thursday, October 20, 2005

It really hurts sometimes when certain people give certain remarks. I juz don't understand why the person can't juz stop for a minute to think before saying anything.

I've encountered several occasions when the person whom u think u care about starts giving out remarks or comments. I don't mind the comments on how I look or how I put on weight (i'm so used to it!!) tapi bila ada remarks yg bersangkut paut ngan the way I treat my children or the way I dress them..it's actually up to me. They are mine to begin with. I like seeing them like I see them now so why change that? Issh..tak faham sungguh.

Another thing, stop reminding me that it's still too early to be looking for someone new. Stop dropping hints about how the children will hate having a new father at the moment. Uuurggh!!! It hurts. I've mentioned it time and time again..I'm not interested in looking for a new partner. It's juz not that easy.
I distanced myself once due to similar reasons. I do not wish to do it again..apa lagi dengan current situation. Tolonglah..

Monday, October 17, 2005

I'm actually spending more time with my children now. Dulu kalau weekends je, One selalu hantar ke babysitter or rumah nenek dia. Memang kadang-kadang tu pening kepala jugak nak melayan kerenah 9, 4, 3 & 1. Memang kadang-kadang tu tense jugak. Mulut ni merungut jugak tapi bila malam tgk them tido, rasa tersentuh jugak. Kecik-kecik lagi dah ilang kasih sayang seorang father. 3 boys n 1 girl akan look up at me and ask for my help on life..ish!! berat rasenya.

After Mie left us, memang at early stage One rasa mcm nak give up hope. It was as if my life has just ended. I put on a brave face to face the world. Dalam hati, rasa macam nak juz let the kids go..dalam hati bertanya, kenapa I was left with these responsibilities? Nasib baik i somehow realised bila tengok how much they were suffering too. It was not fair to juz leave them like that.

After Mie left us, baru i sedar time is too precious to be wasted. The children pun rajin tanya i..nearly everyday.."mama, ari nie mama cuti?"..even though baru ari selasa, soalan tu akan keluar jugak dari mulut either hana or faris. They look forward to every cuti that I have now.

With me spending most of the time at home or with my family/siblings, I know I have let down a few people. Yelah, memang apa yang dirancang tu memberi faedah and it's part of an effort of generating extra income. Problem is I cannot commit myself. I can't juz drop off my kids at the grandma's n head off to whatever they have planned. Maybe I could, before. But now, every single moment is too precious to me. I don't know when my time would come. Yes, I am in need of money but spending time with them is more valuable at the moment. I'll juz have to find my ways of earning more without having to leave them behind.

The children too must have noticed the change in me. I now let them play outside more often than I did before, I still worry when they do.. I let them play fireworks more now than I ever did..I give in more to them now. Hey, I even agreed to my little hana & faris nye wish to go back to Kelantan with the grandparents (something which I don't normally do). Life is too short to be wasted..Let them have their fun and we will all lead a happy life..not rich..but happy.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Hmm..dah lama tak update blog. One baru mula kerja kat tempat baru. So for the past weeks been really busy..nak settlekan everything kat office lama, nak prepare untuk masuk office baru, macam-macam hal lagilah yang jadi.

Hari ni dah masuk 6 hari kita berpuasa. The first day of Ramadhan, One bawa Firdaus pergi pasar Ramadhan kat BBS. Yelah, dia dah puasa the whole day, so kenalah get something for him..ikut selera dia. Usually Mak & Abah berniaga, as mentioned earlier in the blog, tahun ni Mak & Abah tak berniaga. So takdelah tempat nak hang out kat param (this is from IM). The feeling masa masuk je param tu..tak terkata sedihnya. Nasib baik masih boleh control.

One & Mie used to stroll param tu dari ujung ke ujung..without knowing what to buy. Bila dah masuk round ke-2 barulah nampak apa yang nak dimakan. His choice of food would be from selera pantai timur, kak lin's nasi campur, cik ani's agar-agar stall, stall yg jual kuih akok & tpg pelita..he would get lots of buah melaka/onde-onde..bubur gandum beli untuk sahur..

So biler One stroll ngan Firdaus, teringat balik zaman berjalan ngan Mie every time lalu gerai-gerai yang One mentioned. To tell the truth, semua makanan yang One nampak hari tu, nampak sama je..xde langsung teringin nak makan..all i wanted to do was be by myself.

Once Firdaus dah habis beli makanan dia..went up to Mak & Abah's house. Bila salam Abah, One manage to control my tears yang One dok tahan dari param tadi. Tapi bila pegang aje tangan Mak, i couldn't help myself. We both bursted out in tears. We both missed him. Rindu yang teramat sangat..no words can best describe the feelings at the mo. It lasted for a few minutes..tapi rasanye macam lama teramat. I heard Mak whispered.."teringat jugak ye Amal".

Now i find myself spending every bukak puasa with Mak & Abah. Kalau dulu, kadang-kadang je. Spent last weekend with them too. Come to think of it, One banyak spend time kat umah Mak & Abah selepas pemergian Mie. Dunno why. Kalau fikirkan dulu, i would do anything to get home and lepaq kat rumah even though Mie would not be around the house. Juz the thought of being alone at the house back then was something that i look forward to at the end of the day.

I still see him around me everywhere i go. Terbaru, i saw him at param..was with IM..masa tgh berjalan..tgk2 barang kat tangan..angkat muka...then there he was kat depan One..berderau darah masa tu...pastu dia ilang kat celah orang. Tak kan nak cari pulak kan..pasal dah tahu dia memang dah takde. If he was missing, definitely One carik kat param tu. Sometimes duduk sorang-sorang tu macam rasa One bermimpi he's gone. I would think to myself..kenapa dia menyorok? Kenapa dia menghilangkan diri? Dia dah tak sayang One ke? Will i see him again? Did he really die? Or was it juz a set up....faking his own death..pastu met someone else and is now living happily kat mana-mana..macam-macam ada dalam kepala nie.

People must be saying that i'm going mad. Entahlah..am i?
Di keheningan malam termenungku berseorang
Tak lena mata dipejam terdengar suara terngiang
Suara merdu yang di sayang
Bagai kau di depan mata Ku capai tapi tak kenal
Sukarnya memendam rasa Ingin ku luahkan kata

Bila rindu terkenang mu
Siang terasa sayu Syahdunya jiwaku bila malam
Makin kelam jauh terbang diriku melayang
Aku rindu sentuhan mu
Ku rasa sayu Inginkan jiwamu selubungi jiwa ini
Bawa ku dalam pelangi
Melepasi segala hati ini

Jauh angan ku lena
Ku rasa kita bersama
Kau bawaku kesana
Ke alam kisah yang lama
Kenangan di dalam jiwa
Bila tersedar semula Disisiku kau tiada
Sukarnya ku pendam rasa, ingin ku luahkan semua

..ruffedge..bila rindu