Thursday, July 28, 2005

..Precious..

Farhana in pink and Faris in blue..these two like to talk about their papa..and whenever they see the moon, they'll go..tu papa ada kat situ..tu papa tgk kita..papa boleh tgk kita tapi kita x boleh tgk papa..hmm sapa sangka dia org akan ckp mcm tu.
Cite bulan tu timbul masa we all dlm keta driving back from my sister's hse..they popped the question..mama, papa tdo dlm pasir ye? nak x nak kena jwb gaks..ye tapi papa boleh tgk kita..papa boleh tgk faris & hana nakal ke tak..papa tgk?..ye..tu papa ada kat atas tu..dekat ngan bulan tu, tinggi tpt dia..actually, i x tau nak ckp mcm mana..i juz wanted them 2 know that their papa will alwiz b wathcing them n will alwiz b around them without them knowing...Susah gak nak explain kat 3 &4 years old nie..i guess i kena layan they all dgn bulan nie until they r big enough 2 understand..

Firdaus is the eldest..he's the quiet n shy boy. He likes to keep things to himself..susah nak know his feelings..from the day his papa died sampai skrg, dia hanya sebut pasal him like on 4 to 5 occasions..unlike the sis n bro. Risau gak and i think he's the one yg akan make me worry the most during his teens. Now pun dia kdg2 tunjuk gak belang dia. Likes to tease the bro n sis sampai they all menangis..i guess itu dia take after the papa. Dulu kalau i marah, dia x dengar..i ngadu kat Mie. Firdaus will always listen to him but jarang with me..i guess dia tau mama dia nie marah2 pun bg gaks kalau dia mintak apa2...Now kalau he doesn't listen 2 me..i will always ckp ..yelah..dulu papa ada, abg dgr ckp papa..skrg papa x de, abg x nak dgr ckp sapa2..i know i x patut make him feel uneasy tapi that's how i feel..I hope dia x simpan apa2 perasaan x puas hati towards me..n i hope he'll grow 2 b a good n obedient son..amin.

Farhan's the youngest..masa his papa died he was about 6-month old. Juz last 26/7 dia genap 1 year..he's not going 2 remember anything..sian dia. A few days before Mie left us..he did spent a lot of time with the family..funny thing..Farhan was observing his papa like he'd never observed b4. He followed his papa wherever he went..he kept his eys on his papa all the time..i guessed he knew that he had not much time with his papa..
Masa dia mula2 nak start buat bunyi, the first word that came out from him was...papa..papa..broke my heart. Mesti Mie bangga giler anak dia panggil dia dulu instead of the mum.. :(
Well now Farhan's word is mostly nak..nak..nak..pasal the sister n bros makan sokmo..so he also wants apa yg sis n bros dia makan...kelakar tgk dia kat tepi meja saying nak..nak..whenever i put food on the table..mcm dia tau je ada makanan kat atas meja tu..

I hope i have the strength n courage 2 face anything yg dtg masa membesarkan his kids. I pray that i can didik them 2 b good individuals. It's gonna b tough, i know..

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Januari

Been meaning 2 write this for quite a while tp x kesampaian.

Berat bebanku..meninggalkanmu
Separuh nafas jiwaku.... sirna
Bukan salahmu.....apa dayaku
Mungkin cinta sejati tak berpihak.. pada kitar
Kasihku..sampai disini kisah kita
Jangan tangisi keadaannya
Bukan karena kita berbeda
Dengarkan dengarkan lagu... lagu ini
Melodi rintihan hati ini
Kisah kita berakhir di januari
Selamat tinggal kisah sejatiku
Oh..... pergilah..........

Januari ~ Glenn. I have a lot of songs yg used to be our songs. But this song really stands out. On the day that he passed away, i kept his phone in my bag still switched on pasal takut frens dia tpon. Xde calls yg masuk, cuma satu msg je masuk pd mlm tu..n i terkejut biler dengar verse ..Kasihku, sampai disini kisah kita, jangan tangisi keadaannya...kisah kita berakhir di januari..True enough our love life ended on 31/1/05. Betul-betul menyentuh perasaan i. I x tau secara kebetulan atau apa pasal kalau Mie pegang phone tu, dia mmg set profile lain sebab i x pernah dgr lagu tu on his phone. That's y i terduduk masa dgr lagu tu from his phone. Guess he must have known that he was going.

There were signs that i did not pay attention to. The past few weeks b4 he left, he did not talk much, he likes to sit at the verandah by himself, he was being extra sweet to me (n i thought it was him making up to me bcoz we had a fight the week b4)..had i known i had not much time..i wld certainly turn back the clock...n certainly wld be nicer to him.

Friday, July 8, 2005

Something..Anything

It has been 6 months since he passed away n i've yet to receive the report on his death. The doc called me up y'day, said he coudn't come to a conclusion on the cause of his death. Huh? People juz don't die..there has 2 b a reason. Then dia kate nak tunggu report from the police on laporan kimia plak..helloooooo!!!! it has been 6 mths, can't they get anything yet?

It's so sad..yes jodoh & ajal di tangan Tuhan..tapi kalau dia meninggal masa dia sakit then i boleh terima..ni sakit apa pun tidak, tau2 he's gone. I bukan x percaya pada qada' & qadar n questioning Him tapi there should b a cause. Kenapa biarkan myself dalam kebingungan mcm nie? Don't i deserve some answer...any answer. Have i been that bad to deserve all these?

Mmg dah 6 bulan tp rasenye mcm baru semalam dia pergi. I still see him around..everywhere i go, everywhere i lay my eyes on..he's there. I still feel his presence. I still wake up in the middle of the nite, hoping he'll come home as he usually does. Still hope one day he will appear, alive n healthy. Nuts? X boleh nak terima kenyataan? Ntahlah. Kadang2 mcm terdengar pintu dibuka, rasa dia still sleeping on the bed. Rase mcm i'm having a bad dream n how i wish that i could juz wake up from this dream.

Oh God!! How i miss him..so much that it hurts. Please.......