Friday, December 16, 2005

Anak papa dah besar..dah jadi anak bujang. Firdaus bersunat hari Sabtu minggu lepas 10/12/05..sehari lepas hari lahir mama. Abang bersunat sekali ngan anak K'Zah..Umar Luqman (baju biru tu).
Hari tu dia happy je. Takde perasaan takut yang ditunjukkan pada semua. Gambar nie diambil sebelum perarakan. He was so brave. Mama pulak yang sedih dan takut.
Gambar ni masa dah selesai dan berehat kat rumah K'Zah di Cheras. Notice muka tak seceria sebelum ini. Firdaus happy dalam gundah kat rumah tu. At times, mama rasa dia mesti ingat kat papa. Yelah tengok si Umar dilayan ayah dia. Bila mama layan dia, ada je yang tak kena. Pegang sana, sakit...pegang sini, sakit. Kadang-kadang kecik jugak hati mama. Semua yang mama buat tak kena pada mata dia. Mama tak tahu apa yang tersurat dalam hati dia..tapi mama harap apa yang telah mama lakukan, sedikit sebanyak telah membantu dia melalui proses kedewasaan ini.

Tinggal lagi 2 anak bujang 2 go...

Tuesday, December 6, 2005



6 Dec 1989..the day i met him ..Mohd Azmey Ab Wahab at Rock & Roller Level U5, Semua House KL. A few days after SRP results came out n a few days before my birthday 9 Dec. There were a lot of things happening in my life back then, but meeting him was the greatest gift of all.


I can still remember the way I met him..he was skating round & round the ring..he stood out from the rest of the crowd n my eyes were stuck on him. The next thing I knew I was approached by his friends trying to get to know me. We got to talk but I still had my eyes on him. Finally got a chance to talk to him and had a great time laughing, he was a good company. It was not long before we finally had a chance to skate together. I was a not good skater..gave me a good reason to really hold on to his hands. Exchanged numbers but not with him..with the group of friends...boo hoo.

But eventually, he did call me. Well, i've told before how he got my number...there's no need to go there anymore. It's just the memories are still there like it happened yesterday.

Year 2004..15 years in memory.

* These images r from the cross-stich that i gave 2 him during my studies at Kuantan..

Saturday, December 3, 2005



I know this might sound kind of lame..but I was juz goin thru some of the letters that I sent to Mie when we were dating..and I found a letter that was written while I was studying in Kuantan..

Assalamualaikum..
Abang ape khabar? Ayang sinie alhamdulillah, masih sihat walafiat. Ayang harap ayang tak mengganggu abang dengan kehadiran kad ini.

Abang, ayang begitu merindui abang di kala kini. Ayang merindui gelak tawa abang, belaian mesra abang dan lebih-lebih lagi ayang merindui diri abang. Bilakah agaknya dendam rindu ini akan terlerai? Tak sabar rasenye ayang untuk berjumpa dengan abang. Abang telah memberi semangat kepada ayang kembali untuk ayang meneruskan pengajian ayang di daerah ini. Tanpa semangat dan dorongan abang, ayang tidak mungkin tahu hendak berbuat apa. Cita-cita ayang kini hanyalah untuk menamatkan pengajian ayang dan seterusnya untuk hidup bersama abang. Insya-Allah hasrat dan impian ayang nie akan tercapai, kan abang? Doakanlah untuk kebahagiaan kita bersama.

Abang, kerinduan itu satu penyeksaan kan abang? Ayang tidak tahu bagaimana harus ayang menanggungnya lagi. Kalau boleh buat masa kini, ayang tidak inginkan sebuah pertemuan kerana pertemuan itu hanya akan berakhir dengan perpisahan. Perpisahan yang amat perit. Ayang tidak tahu mengapa kini ayang begitu merindui diri abang. Ayang tidak pernah merasa begini. Kerinduan ayang kepada abang makin hari makin menebal.

Abang, walaupun sebenarnya jarak pemisah di antara kita bukanlah besar, tetapi ianya begitu besar bagi diri ayang. Kejauhan ini makin mendalamkan lagi perasaan cinta dan sayang kepada abang. Memang ayang tidak pernah mengatakan ayang cintakan abang pada masa dahulunya, tetapi kini lain abang, ayang bukan sahaja menyayangi abang malah menyintai abang jua..dan ayang takut akan kehilangan abang. Cinta dan kasih sayang ini hanyalah untuk abang seorang. Ayang harap abang tidak akan mepersia-siakan diri ayang ini. Seluruh jiwa dan raga ku hanyalah untukmu, sayang! Ayang senantiasa mengimpikan kebahagiaan kita dan ayang berharap abang pun begitu jua. Impikan sebuah kebahagiaan ynag berkekalan untuk selama-lamanya.

Hidup ayang ini tidak akan membawa sebarang makna sekiranya abang tiada. Abanglah penggerak ayang. Kasih sayang dari abang memberi ayang semangat untuk meneruskan kehidupan ini. Moga impian kita kan tercapai, abang. Satu saja pinta ayang kepada abang, berusahalah demi kebahagiaan bersama. Akhir kata, jagalah diri abang dan buat kesekian kalinya, ayang menyayangi dan menyintai diri abang. Fahamilah luahan hati ayang ini.

Salam Sayang Berpanjangan...Amal 13081994

My love for you lives....AZMAL.


Friday, December 2, 2005


Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Hari Raya is coming to an end tapi One baru nak upload gambar..hmm. Gambar nie diambil masa on 1st day of raya kat Putrajaya. One & family spent malam raya & 1st day kat sana. Tiap-tiap tahun, mesti ambil gambar family. This is the first raya without Mie in it. Nak get the children in mood, One decided to have orange as the theme. Meriah sekali.

Papa, tahun pertama beraya tanpa papa disisi. Memang berbeza sungguh rasanya. Mama rasa mama dah berjaya menggembirakan anak-anak. Firdaus agak sedih bila waktu bersalaman..mungkin dia pun teringat saat dia bersalam dengan papa. Kemudian, dia kembali ceria..boleh jadi sebab dikelilingi oleh sepupu-sepupunya. Faris & Farhana sibuk mengira duit raya. Farhan hanya mengikut, dia kan masih terlalu kecil untuk mengerti apa-apa. Mama sedih tapi perlu ceria demi untuk anak-anak.

Papa, mama tak berkesempatan untuk memohon maaf dari papa di atas segala kesalahan mama sepanjang bergelar isteri papa. Mama berharap papa pernah pada satu ketika hayat papa, memaafkan mama. Halalkan segala makan minum, wang ringgit yang dipakai. Mama harap papa telah menerima segala kekurangan mama dengan hati yang terbuka. Mama telah lama memaafkan diri papa. Walaupun mama selalu mengomel, itu hanyalah luahan rasa hati mama terhadap papa. Segala kekurangan papa telah mama terima dan mama bersyukur kerana telah diberi kesempatan untuk bergelar isteri kepada Mohd Azmey Ab Wahab. Hanya papa insan yang bertakhta di hati mama..dulu, kini dan selamanya. Moga papa aman di sana. Al-Fatihah.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Semangat yang hilang...bila kita hidup berdua, semangat tu lain. Sekarang nie, One rasa semangat berani dah berkurangan. Bila buat sesuatu, One rasa tak confident. Entahlah, susah nak jelaskan..cuma yang pasti One sekarang bukan One dulu. Dari luar biaselahkan, sentiasa montel. Tapi dalam nie berbeza sungguh. Benda yang kecik pun sekarang pikir memanjang.

Baru pagi tadi terserempak ngan neighbours masa nak turun lif. Depa dok bercerita pasal selalu nampak sorang mamat nie dok naik turun tangga, tengok-tengok rumah. Pastu kadang-kadang malam-malam ada pulak yang berlagak macam guard buat round kat flat tu. Ke hulu, ke hilir bawak kayu. Entah apalah kerjanya. Ada jugak dengar cite, rumah yang kena masuk. Hmm risau pulak dibuatnya. One kat rumah tu ngan 4 orang budak tu. One pasti, lambat laun orang tu mesti perasan rumah One takde orang lelaki dewasa. Kadang- kadang tu terfikir jugak, ada ke orang nak masuk rumah kat tingkat 4 nie? Kot dia masuk melalui rumah atas, panjat masuk ke verandah..macam-macam dalam kepala nie.

Bukan setakat tu, kalau berlaku apa-apa kat rumah tu, sempat ker One nak bawa keluar budak 4 orang tu?

Air mata yang berderai, siapa yang menghapuskan..Hati kering dan gersang, siapa yang meneduhkan..Sedangkan kau yang ku sayang, telah pergi dariku..Dengan cinta dan harapan hidupku..oh sayang..Tiada lagi ku dengar kidungmu, tiada lagi derai tawamu..Hanya kesepian yang kian mencengkam jiwaku..Malam malam dingin membeku, hari hari kian kelabu..Dalam doa kudus, ku sebut namamu..Cintaku, oh Sayang..Di sisi Tuhan yang Esa..

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

This is not the first time I had this dream. But this is the first time I'm jotting it down.

Even though Mie is no longer around, I still dream of him. Sometimes the dreams are so real that when I wake up the next morning, I'll be exhausted. It's like I was with him the whole night. In the dreams that I had, we usually would juz walk round town or juz hang out at the places that we used to go. We used to hang out at Taman Tasik Titiwangsa, Lake Garden, Birds' Park, Orchid Park..believe me, we did. Sometimes, we would juz walked from Pertama to Kotaraya and back to Pertama. We did not buy much, juz walked. I usually held his arm as he doesn't like holding hands..he said..."macam budak2 je".."lagipun macam ni kan lagi mesra, lagi rapat"..hehehe. One thing I remember, we didn't talk much in the dreams. It was like what we wanted to do was spent as much time together..no need for small talk.

We even made out in my dreams. It was so real that I was in tears the moment I opened my eyes. Wonder how long this dreams will last? It has been 10 months..10 long ones.

My new office is in Maju Junction. Nearby Pertama Complex, the place where I used to spend my "zaman berkawan". Walking down the road, sure brought back a lot of memories. Sometimes while waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green, I see us walking. There we were walking, talking, laughing...

Am I going insane...losing my mind? I see him everywhere I go..to this day, I still wake up at the hours he usually came in. I still hear the motorbike being driven in the parking lot and expecting him to turn up at the door any minute.

I've never had "the dream". The dream where he's suppose to come and visit you and say nothing. Heard that my sister-in-laws has had visits from him. Hmm..wonder why he doesn't visit me? Have I not been a good wife? I'm not so certain whether I could face him in the dream..or would I juz wake up in sweats?

One thing for sure...I hope to dream of him for the rest of my life.

Keunggulan cinta dari sinar mata yang bergelora..Hati di taman berbunga satu impian, satu harapan..Sudah pasti ada sebaliknya satu rahsia..Engkau di mataku adalah cahaya perjalanan ku..Terang menyuluh segala yang tersembunyi lama ku cari..Sudah pasti ada jawapannya kemungkinan itu..Datang api senja, sedang aku merangkak dan kehausan cinta itu..Kau hulurkan tanganmu membawa ku ke atas semula..Berdoalah aku kesyukuran bersatu cinta jadi satu..biar ku tempuh segalanya, agar diteman cinta yang suci itu..

Monday, November 21, 2005

UNASCERTAINED..yang tidak dapat dipastikan (Kamus Dewan)..

Peace of mind? Questions? Reasons? Happy? Sad? Uncertain? Over?

Monday, November 7, 2005

oh kekasih hatiku selamanya..keindahan maya itu milik kita..terciptalah sebuah cinta..jiwa sama bergelora..kaulah satu dlm hidupku ini..penawar dikala rindu..kan ku curahkan seluruh cintaku padamu oh kasihku..akan ku bina istana untuk kita..dan menikmati gelombang cinta..di dadaku & di dadamu..degupan seiring irama..ayuh ku pimpinkan tanganmu..menuju mahligai bahgia..kita kan bersama mengecap nikmat cinta..hidup bagai di syurga..kaulah satu dalam hidupku ini..penawar di kala rindu..kan ku curahkan seluruh cintaku padamu oh kasihku..ayuh ku pimpinkan tanganmu menuju mahligai bahgia..kita kan bersama mengecap nikmat cinta..hidup bagai di syurga..ohoo..ohoo..ohoo..
May..Sketsa Sebuah Cinta

Tis is the the first raya without Mie. Missed him. One tak buat apa-apa preparation pun for the house. No cookies, no new curtains, no nothing. Untuk gembirakan the children, i bought them new clothes. One sendiri bought baju kurung sehari sebelum raya. One spent the raya kat Putrajaya. Went there petang raya selepas menziarah kubur. Tak duduk lama kat kubur pasal hari hujan. Kesian the kids, walaupun berpayung, tetap basah kena tempias hujan. One tak dapat nak menahan sedih bila ada kat kubur. The look on the childrens' faces. Firdaus was looking at me as my tears were rolling down my cheeks. He tried to keep his siblings quiet biler tengok mama dia sedih.

Sampai Putrajaya dah pukul 5 lebih. Maman Jit was there with the family and so was Tam's family, later on Teh & family sampai. The children had fun playing bunga api & mercun. Tok was always shouting.."baby nak tidor nie" or "tok sah dok main lah"..begitulah lebih kurang ayat dia..one thing for sure..the children had a fun time and the acara kept their minds off Mie. Bukanlah nak suruh they lupakan langsung, juz nak they 2 b happy.

I did not call my in-laws saying that I was going to be in Putrajaya and spending my first day of raya there. I didn't think that I could control myself. Mak & Abah, maafkan lah Amal. Amal tak mampu untuk bersemuka ngan Mak & Abah. Amal tahu Mak & Abah semestinya sedih pada pagi raya. Kalau Amal datang bersama-sama anak-anak, bertambahlah sedih lagi. Bukan niat Amal untuk sengaja menjauhkan diri..tapi Amal tahu setakat mana kemampuan perasaan Amal ini.

I did go to their house on the 2nd raya. Itu pun biler salam tangan Mak, my eyes started to fill up with tears..Mak peluk cakap Mak rindukan sangat pada Mie..I couldn't bring myself to say anything..i juz hugged her which what felt like a long time. Lepas tu Abah plak..of courselah I tak hug him..tapi we both could sense the sadness in us. We did not do much, juz hang around & watched some tv. Lepas tu I know I slept from 2-7 pm at Mak's house. One way of melarikan diri dari melayan perasaan ini.

Thru out my day kat my in-laws, they kept mentioning that they waited for me the whole of yesterday (1st day of raya), tried calling me on my cell tapi tak berjawab..wondering why i jawab or call them. Entahlah, i juz wanted to get away. I did not want to be in an environment yang membawa seribu satu kenangan, for the childrens' sake & also for my sake.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

It really hurts sometimes when certain people give certain remarks. I juz don't understand why the person can't juz stop for a minute to think before saying anything.

I've encountered several occasions when the person whom u think u care about starts giving out remarks or comments. I don't mind the comments on how I look or how I put on weight (i'm so used to it!!) tapi bila ada remarks yg bersangkut paut ngan the way I treat my children or the way I dress them..it's actually up to me. They are mine to begin with. I like seeing them like I see them now so why change that? Issh..tak faham sungguh.

Another thing, stop reminding me that it's still too early to be looking for someone new. Stop dropping hints about how the children will hate having a new father at the moment. Uuurggh!!! It hurts. I've mentioned it time and time again..I'm not interested in looking for a new partner. It's juz not that easy.
I distanced myself once due to similar reasons. I do not wish to do it again..apa lagi dengan current situation. Tolonglah..

Monday, October 17, 2005

I'm actually spending more time with my children now. Dulu kalau weekends je, One selalu hantar ke babysitter or rumah nenek dia. Memang kadang-kadang tu pening kepala jugak nak melayan kerenah 9, 4, 3 & 1. Memang kadang-kadang tu tense jugak. Mulut ni merungut jugak tapi bila malam tgk them tido, rasa tersentuh jugak. Kecik-kecik lagi dah ilang kasih sayang seorang father. 3 boys n 1 girl akan look up at me and ask for my help on life..ish!! berat rasenya.

After Mie left us, memang at early stage One rasa mcm nak give up hope. It was as if my life has just ended. I put on a brave face to face the world. Dalam hati, rasa macam nak juz let the kids go..dalam hati bertanya, kenapa I was left with these responsibilities? Nasib baik i somehow realised bila tengok how much they were suffering too. It was not fair to juz leave them like that.

After Mie left us, baru i sedar time is too precious to be wasted. The children pun rajin tanya i..nearly everyday.."mama, ari nie mama cuti?"..even though baru ari selasa, soalan tu akan keluar jugak dari mulut either hana or faris. They look forward to every cuti that I have now.

With me spending most of the time at home or with my family/siblings, I know I have let down a few people. Yelah, memang apa yang dirancang tu memberi faedah and it's part of an effort of generating extra income. Problem is I cannot commit myself. I can't juz drop off my kids at the grandma's n head off to whatever they have planned. Maybe I could, before. But now, every single moment is too precious to me. I don't know when my time would come. Yes, I am in need of money but spending time with them is more valuable at the moment. I'll juz have to find my ways of earning more without having to leave them behind.

The children too must have noticed the change in me. I now let them play outside more often than I did before, I still worry when they do.. I let them play fireworks more now than I ever did..I give in more to them now. Hey, I even agreed to my little hana & faris nye wish to go back to Kelantan with the grandparents (something which I don't normally do). Life is too short to be wasted..Let them have their fun and we will all lead a happy life..not rich..but happy.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Hmm..dah lama tak update blog. One baru mula kerja kat tempat baru. So for the past weeks been really busy..nak settlekan everything kat office lama, nak prepare untuk masuk office baru, macam-macam hal lagilah yang jadi.

Hari ni dah masuk 6 hari kita berpuasa. The first day of Ramadhan, One bawa Firdaus pergi pasar Ramadhan kat BBS. Yelah, dia dah puasa the whole day, so kenalah get something for him..ikut selera dia. Usually Mak & Abah berniaga, as mentioned earlier in the blog, tahun ni Mak & Abah tak berniaga. So takdelah tempat nak hang out kat param (this is from IM). The feeling masa masuk je param tu..tak terkata sedihnya. Nasib baik masih boleh control.

One & Mie used to stroll param tu dari ujung ke ujung..without knowing what to buy. Bila dah masuk round ke-2 barulah nampak apa yang nak dimakan. His choice of food would be from selera pantai timur, kak lin's nasi campur, cik ani's agar-agar stall, stall yg jual kuih akok & tpg pelita..he would get lots of buah melaka/onde-onde..bubur gandum beli untuk sahur..

So biler One stroll ngan Firdaus, teringat balik zaman berjalan ngan Mie every time lalu gerai-gerai yang One mentioned. To tell the truth, semua makanan yang One nampak hari tu, nampak sama je..xde langsung teringin nak makan..all i wanted to do was be by myself.

Once Firdaus dah habis beli makanan dia..went up to Mak & Abah's house. Bila salam Abah, One manage to control my tears yang One dok tahan dari param tadi. Tapi bila pegang aje tangan Mak, i couldn't help myself. We both bursted out in tears. We both missed him. Rindu yang teramat sangat..no words can best describe the feelings at the mo. It lasted for a few minutes..tapi rasanye macam lama teramat. I heard Mak whispered.."teringat jugak ye Amal".

Now i find myself spending every bukak puasa with Mak & Abah. Kalau dulu, kadang-kadang je. Spent last weekend with them too. Come to think of it, One banyak spend time kat umah Mak & Abah selepas pemergian Mie. Dunno why. Kalau fikirkan dulu, i would do anything to get home and lepaq kat rumah even though Mie would not be around the house. Juz the thought of being alone at the house back then was something that i look forward to at the end of the day.

I still see him around me everywhere i go. Terbaru, i saw him at param..was with IM..masa tgh berjalan..tgk2 barang kat tangan..angkat muka...then there he was kat depan One..berderau darah masa tu...pastu dia ilang kat celah orang. Tak kan nak cari pulak kan..pasal dah tahu dia memang dah takde. If he was missing, definitely One carik kat param tu. Sometimes duduk sorang-sorang tu macam rasa One bermimpi he's gone. I would think to myself..kenapa dia menyorok? Kenapa dia menghilangkan diri? Dia dah tak sayang One ke? Will i see him again? Did he really die? Or was it juz a set up....faking his own death..pastu met someone else and is now living happily kat mana-mana..macam-macam ada dalam kepala nie.

People must be saying that i'm going mad. Entahlah..am i?
Di keheningan malam termenungku berseorang
Tak lena mata dipejam terdengar suara terngiang
Suara merdu yang di sayang
Bagai kau di depan mata Ku capai tapi tak kenal
Sukarnya memendam rasa Ingin ku luahkan kata

Bila rindu terkenang mu
Siang terasa sayu Syahdunya jiwaku bila malam
Makin kelam jauh terbang diriku melayang
Aku rindu sentuhan mu
Ku rasa sayu Inginkan jiwamu selubungi jiwa ini
Bawa ku dalam pelangi
Melepasi segala hati ini

Jauh angan ku lena
Ku rasa kita bersama
Kau bawaku kesana
Ke alam kisah yang lama
Kenangan di dalam jiwa
Bila tersedar semula Disisiku kau tiada
Sukarnya ku pendam rasa, ingin ku luahkan semua

..ruffedge..bila rindu

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Ada apa dengan One?

'Allahu laaa 'ilaaha 'illaa Huu. 'Al-Hayyul-Qayyuum. Laa ta'-khuzuhuu sinatunw-wa laa nawm. Lahuu maa fissamaawaati wa ma fil-'arz. Man-zallazii yashfa-'u'indahuuu 'illaa bi-'iznih? Ya'-lamu maa bayna 'aydiihim wa maa khalfahum. Wa laa yuhiituuna bi-shay-'im-min 'ilmihiii 'illaa bimaa shaaa'. Wasi-'a Kursiyyu-hus-Samaawaati wal-'arz; wa laa ya-'uuduhuu hifzu-humaa wa Huwal-'Aliyyul-'Aziim.

D pertengahan ayat, One terjaga..dan One boleh mendengar sendiri suara One..besar & garau. One termangu sekejap di katil.

Tadi One bermimpi..One dikejar oleh seorang perempuan..dlm dia kejar One, dia dapat kepong One..tiba2 je dia ada kat depan One..astaghfirullah..hodohnye muka dia..mata dia tersembul..muka dia panjang, rambut panjang..gigi dia buruk..x tau mcm mana nak describe tapi buruk sesungguh..

One terus baca Ayatul Kursi..suara One besar..garau..suara sapa tu?

One tengok jam..pukul 12.45 mlm..anak2 semua dah tdo..One bukak semua lampu, on kan TV..nak tpon org tapi x tau nak tpon sapa..dah lah sekrg selalu kena panic attack..tambah lagi mcm nie..One tunggu2 kalau si kecik Farhan akan menangis..takut mmg betul ada gangguan..alhamdulillah xde plak..

Musykil lah One..suara garau tu selalu keluar kalau One baca ayat2 suci dlm tdo..Dulu selalu gaks One rasa mcm x leh bernafas dlm tdo..biler start baca kursi..cukup punye payah..dah dapat baca tersekat2..suara besar & garau plak..sampai ke penghujung ayat tu lagi besar suara..lepas tu mesti takut nak lelapkan mata balik pasal x sanggup nak dengar suara One sendiri..
Ada apa dengan One?

Thursday, September 8, 2005

...maafkan mama..

Maafkan mama..mama tak bermaksud untuk marahkan anak2 mama..mama tak bermaksud untuk berkasar dgn anak2 mama..mama sayang anak2 mama..anak2 mama lah nyawa mama..mama tak boleh bayangkan hidup mama tanpa anak2 mama..anak2 mama lah hadiah yang paling berharga papa tinggalkan untuk mama..mama harap anak2 mama akan membesar menjadi manusia yg berguna..

Bersabarlah dengan mama sayangku..mama tak pernah berniat untuk melukakan hati anak2 mama..sayangilah mama sebagaimana mama menyayangi anak2 mama..

Jangan marahkan mama, janganlah anak2 mama menyimpan dendam terhadap mama...maafkan mama, Firdaus, Faris, Farhana & Farhan.

Saturday, September 3, 2005

..sakit..

Papa, mama sakit balik. Dulu, kalau mama sakit, papa ada untuk tenangkan mama, temankan mama sepanjang mama sakit. Walaupun masa papa kepenatan, papa akan tetap tenangkan mama..dengan hanya berada di depan mama, papa memberikan ketenangan pada diri mama. Sekarang, bila mama sakit..mama hanya bertemankan airmata..siapa yg akan faham apa yang sedang mama lalui ini? Ya, mama memang gelak, ketawa seperti dunia ini mama yg punya..tapi hakikat sebenar..hanya Tuhan yg tahu. Ya Allah! Apakah dugaan ini? Aku mohon padaMu, berilah kekuatan dan petunjukMu, ya Allah.
Papa, mama rindukan papa..teramat sangat rindukan papa. Kalau ya ada apa2 berlaku pada mama, apa akan terjadi pada anak2 kita papa? Siapa yang akan mengasihi & menyayangi anak2 kita? Apakah kasih sayang mereka akan sama seperti kasih sayang kita? Apakah akan terjamin hidup mereka? Kenapa papa tinggalkan mama? Kenapa papa biarkan mama menanggung semua ini? Membesarkan anak2 adalah 1 tanggungjawab yg besar papa. Macam mana kalau mama tak berjaya mendidik mereka menjadi manusia yg berguna..apakah mama yang akan dipersalahkan? Papa berjanji dgn mama untuk sama2 membesarkan mereka..untuk melihat mereka berjaya. Papa kata papa nak menetap di Bandar Baru ini hingga bila2...sebab bila papa adakan kenduri kahwin anak2 papa nanti, senang..adik2 papa ada berdekatan. Papa pernah berkata...mamalah satu-satunya isteri papa..tiada 2, tiada 3...benar hingga akhir hayat papa, hanyalah mama sorang.

Panic Disorder is a serious condition that around one out of every 75 people might experience. It usually appears during the teens or early adulthood, and while the exact causes are unclear, there does seem to be a connection with major life transitions that are potentially stressful: graduating from college, getting married, having a first child, and so on. There is also some evidence for a genetic predisposition; if a family member has suffered from panic disorder, you have an increased risk of suffering from it yourself, especially during a time in your life that is particularly stressful.

A panic attack is a sudden surge of overwhelming fear that comes without warning and without any obvious reason. It is far more intense than the feeling of being 'stressed out' that most people experience. Symptoms of a panic attack include:

raging heartbeat
difficulty breathing, feeling as though you 'can't get enough air'
terror that is almost paralyzing
dizziness, lightheadedness or nausea
trembling, sweating, shaking
choking, chest pains
hot flashes, or sudden chills
tingling in fingers or toes ('pins and needles')
fear that you're going to go crazy or are about to die


You probably recognize this as the classic 'flight or fight' response that human beings experience when we are in a situation of danger. But during a panic attack, these symptoms seem to rise from out of nowhere. They occur in seemingly harmless situations--they can even happen while you are asleep.

In addition to the above symptoms, a panic attack is marked by the following conditions:
it occurs suddenly, without any warning and without any way to stop it.
the level of fear is way out of proportion to the actual situation; often, in fact, it's completely unrelated.
it passes in a few minutes; the body cannot sustain the 'fight or flight' response for longer than that. However, repeated attacks can continue to recur for hours.

A panic attack is not dangerous, but it can be terrifying, largely because it feels 'crazy' and 'out of control.' Panic disorder is frightening because of the panic attacks associated with it, and also because it often leads to other complications such as phobias, depression, substance abuse, medical complications, even suicide. Its effects can range from mild word or social impairment to a total inability to face the outside world.

In fact, the phobias that people with panic disorder develop do not come from fears of actual objects or events, but rather from fear of having another attack. In these cases, people will avoid certain objects or situations because they fear that these things will trigger another attack.
Please remember that only a licensed therapist can diagnose a panic disorder. There are certain signs you may already be aware of, though.

One study found that people sometimes see 10 or more doctors before being properly diagnosed, and that only one out of four people with the disorder receive the treatment they need. That's why it's important to know what the symptoms are, and to make sure you get the right help.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

..dia datang lg..

Dia datang lg. Sekejap aje waktu berlalu...rasa2 mcm baru semalam kita berjumpa.

Ramadhan, kedatangan dia memang ditunggu2 oleh semua. Well, including myself wpun things would not b the same.
Selalunye bulan Ramadhan nie, Mie akan tolong parents dia jual air soya. Well, it started out as dia punye business for the first year, i think that was back in 2001 kot. Lepas tu dia biar the parents take over, dia cuma tolong je.
Mcm biaselah, nak berniaga kena ada permit sementara. So i mentioned this to my mum-in-law. Balik dari keje mcm biasalah myself pergi rumah Mak. Mak cakap, Mak memang nak berniaga tapi Abah x nak pulak. I guess it is still hard 4 him. Mak x cakap reason Abah tapi i can guess. Selalunya Abah & Mie work hand-in-hand. Time set up tpt niaga, Abah yg buat. Yg tolong kaut air dr bekas besar tu, Mie. Abah dok sebelah tolong bungkus air. They will rotate then the jobs. Biler dah abis niaga, ramai2 set meja kat ctu untuk bukak puasa. Mie's fav will be nasi with limpa msk rendang, air milo ais, kuih akok/buah melaka. Lepas dah abis makan, Mie will kemas the meja & payung. Myself will balik dulu.
Abah, Wan faham kenapa Abah x sanggup lalui semua tu. Memang payah untuk Abah terima kenyataan bahawa Mie dah tiada. Wan tahu Abah masih tertanya-tanya hingga ke hari ini. Wan tahu masa mula-mula pemergian Mie, Abah banyak habiskan masa bersama-sama kawan Mie. Wan x berapa faham kenapa. Dari Mak, Wan tahu Abah selalu pulang lewat. Mak risaukan Abah.
Sepanjang perhubungan Wan & Mie, x pernah Wan tengok Abah menitiskan air mata. Semasa Mie accident, kepala berjahit, Abah tenang je menunggu Mie di hospital. Wan yang masih dalam proses mengenali diri Mie masa tu, menangis sampai bengkak2 mata..kalau diingatkan balik kelakar plak. Bapa kandung boleh rilek, gf plak yg lebih2.
Kat surau masa upacara mandi, kafan dan sebagainya, Abah masih rilek.
Seingat Wan, Abah hanya menitiskan air mata di rumah selepas selesai segala2nya. Mungkin Abah terpaksa bertahan agar kami sekeluarga tabah menghadapinya. Yelah Abah ketua keluarga, kalau kami lihat Abah lemah, kami lagilah.
Wan tahu Abah sangat sayangkan Mie. Abah mungkin jarang menunjukkan kasih sayang Abah tu, tapi Wan tahu Mie pun tahu. Abah & Mie ada 1 hubungan yg unik dan hanya Abah & Mie aje yg memahaminya. Kadang2 kami semua tertanya2 kenapa biler Abah marahkan Mie, Abah x pernah cakap terus ngan Mie. Tapi marah Abah tu sekejap je, kerana kalau berhadapan dengan Mie, marah Abah terus hilang.
Wan masih menghormati & akan tetap menghormati Abah hingga ke akhir hayat Wan. Hanya Abah lah, ABAH Wan.

Friday, August 19, 2005

"Boleh bagi saya tempoh lagi 1 bulan?"

Remember pasal report that i mentioned ari tu..hmm..secara kebetulan i asked for my brother-inlaw's help (he has a bro who's in the police force)..sarjan tu janji ngan the bro on Wed 18/8/05..(that was 2 weeks ago)..pastu called ari nie..guess apa jawapan dia?

"Boleh bagi saya tempoh lagi 1 bulan?"

Hellooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!! Benda tu dah bertangguh selama 6-7 bulan yg lepas. Apa masalahnye?

Kalau it's somebody important..VIP ke VVIP ke.. dah tentu cepat.. silap2 within 24 hours..now i understand y a few of my frens complaining about them..biler dah terkena batang idung sendiri baru lah faham.

http://www.rmp.gov.my/rmp03/kmesra.htm

Dalam usaha untuk mempertingkatkan mutu perkhidmatan kepada masyarakat, pucuk pimpinan PDRM telah memperkenalkan pendekatan KHIDMAT MESRA (Friendly Policing). Ini selaras dengan matlamat Kementerian Dalam Negeri untuk menjadikannya sebagai Kementerian MESRA RAKYAT.

Secara ringkasnya, MESRA didefinisikan sebagai interaksi yang harmoni antara individu yang berteraskan keikhlasan dan kejujuran. Mesra itu sendiri membawa maksud bahawa segala pemikiran dan tindakan itu mempunyai nilai-nilai kemanusiaan sejagat. Dalam konteks PDRM, ia merujuk kepada interaksi ahli pasukan dengan pelanggan iaitu orang ramai.

Mesra juga merupakan satu cara berfikir dan tindakan yang boleh diaplikasikan dalam semua situasi kehidupan seharian dan semasa menjalankan tugas.

Pembudayaan Khidmat Mesra akan mudah dapat dilihat dalam tiga situasi iaitu dalam hubungan polis dengan rakyat, polis sesama sendiri dan anggota polis dengan ahli keluarga masing-masing. Konsep KHIDMAT MESRA ini adalah berteraskan kepada visi pasukan iaitu meningkatkan profesionalisme pegawai dan anggota. Hubungan mesra akan menjalinkan suasana yang harmonis dan saling menghormati antara polis dan orang ramai.

Matlamat membudayakan konsep KHIDMAT MESRA adalah untuk :-
a) memupuk kesedaran di segenap lapisan pegawai dan anggota dalam PDRM bahawa kemesraan boleh membawa keharmonian dan kestabilan serta keyakinan rakyat kepada pasukan polis. Seterusnya dapat meningkatkan penyertaan dan kerjasama dua hala (polis dan orang ramai) dalam mengekalkan ketenteraman dan keselamatan negara.
b) rakyat melihat dan menilai pasukan polis sebagai satu badan penguatkuasa undang-undang yang adil, amanah dan bertimbang rasa. Setiap pegawai polis sebagai pelindung nyawa dan harta benda mereka.
c) mempereratkan hubungan setiakawan di kalangan rakan sejawat serta memupuk semangat kerja berpasukan.

Untuk merealisasikan pendekatan ini Ketua Polis Negara telah mengisytiharkan Moto Pasukan Polis yang baru iaitu MESRA, CEPAT DAN BETUL sempena sambutan Peringatan Hari Polis ke-192 pada 25 Mac 1999.
Yeah rite!!!!!!

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Renungan Antara Kecantikan Lelaki & Kegagahan Wanita

Kecantikan Lelaki
Kecantikan seorang lelaki bukan kepada rupa fizikal tetapi pada murni rohani. Lelaki yang cantik adalah:-


1) Lelaki yang mampu mengalirkan airmata untuk ingatan
2) Lelaki yang sedia menerima segala teguran
3) Lelaki yang memberi madu,setelah menerima racun
4) Lelaki yang tenang dan lapang dada
5) Lelaki yang baik sangka
6) Lelaki yang tak pernah putus asa

Kecantikkan lelaki berdiri di atas kemuliaan hati. Seluruh kecantikan yang ada pada Nabi Muhammad S.A.W adalah kecantikan yang sempurna seorang lelaki.


Kegagahan Wanita
Kegagahan seorang wanita bukan kepada pejal otot badan tetapi pada kekuatan perasaan. Perempuan yang gagah adalah:-

1) Perempuan yang tahan menerima sebuah kehilangan
2) Perempuan yang tidak takut pada kemiskinan
3) Perempuan yang tabah menangung kerinduan setelah ditinggalkan
4) Perempuan yang tidak meminta-minta agar di penuhi segala keinginan

Kegagahan perempuan berdiri di atas teguh iman. Seluruh kegagahan yang ada pada Sayidah Khadijah R.A adalah kegagahan sempurna bagi seorang perempuan.

Received an email from a good friend this morning. Thank you dear.

Monday, August 15, 2005

..i'm not that desperate..

Kadang2 tu heran lah ngan org sekeliling nie..juz bcoz u r single now..doesn't mean u r looking...susah sangat ke nak faham?

I encountered a few situations biler org tanya..so, x pk nak kawin lg ker? HELLLOOOOOO!!!! Masa tu baru 1 month Mie left me...mcmlah i nie desperate sgt nak kawin..mcm i x leh nak survive without a man in my life. I wonder, masa dia tanya soalan tu, dia terpk tak perasaan org yg ditanya macam mana. Hmm pelik sungguh org laki nie....No wonderlah ada kes kat dunia nie..biler wife meninggal..tanah merah lg..tapi dah ada pengganti.

Tu soalan yg i pernah dpt dr 1 of his frens..but to think org terdekat ngan i boleh hint2 that type of soalan, cukup menyedihkan. Statement org tu.."Firdaus/Faris nak papa baru ker?".."Hmm..nak ke orang ngan budak 4 org nie?"...geram sungguh dengar soalan2 mcm tu.
Yes i do feel lonely at times tp tu x bermaksud i'm searching at the mo. I don't know why ppl pk that i'm searching. I've got my kids, my family n my frens to keep me happy. And i don't think my love for Mie will ever be replaced. X taulah in the future, but at the mo..i juz want to cherish what i had with him n care 4 my children.
"..di dalam hati, sedih dan pilu..menyelimuti, tidak ingin ku bercinta lagi..aku cuba memahami apa yang telah terjadi..kini tinggal hanya memori.."

Friday, August 12, 2005

..sms dr madu..

Received from 016 at 23:55 : Asalammualaikumm...kak wan, sory cz sms kak wan time mcm gini...saye teringat kat arwah la...saya tengah duduk kat pasar kat table bulat yg selalu we borak2..that why la..now kat table ni still ada tiga kerusi but dua tak ada orang duduk, there only me, i and myself..

My reply at 06:21 : Ye dik, k1 faham. Sunyi je. Rasa mcm br semlm dia pergi. Bayangan dia selalu ekori k1. Mmg susah nak get over it. Berat mata memandang, berat lg bahu memikul. Anytime rasa nak ckp pasal dia, juz buzz me..x kisah bile pun. K1 faham..

Reply from 016 at 06:28 : Kak wan..dia tak ada segalanya dah tak same mcm dulu..mcm mane anak2 semua ok ke..? kak wan dah keje ke?

My reply at 06:39 : Mmg x same. K1 ilang separuh dr idup k1 biler dia xde. Yelah bkawan dr umur 15 kan. Anak2 ok alhamdulillah. Masih berckp pasal dia, cite apa yg dia org pernah buat ngan papa. Mmg sedih dgr tp k1 kena kuat utk them. K1 keje blk kat off lama tp x tentu ada gj lg pasal co tu xde projek. Msh mcari keje lain gak

Reply from 016 at 07:00 : Ok kak wan, mane bley lupe cz saye membesar dlm between of yr love rite

My reply at 07:22 : Hmm betul. Tau x apa yg k1 plg rindu? Saat bgaduh ngan dia. Pasal masa tulah rasa mcm dkt sgt ngan dia. Msg2 ego tp happy ending. Berbaik lepas gaduh adalah saat yg plg bahagia..hehehe mcm film hindustanlah plak. Over all, Mie adalah Mie..tiada yg sama, tiada pengganti..AlFatihah.

I dah biase terima this type of sms..this was one of the latest..i hv a lot of madu(s)..sharing their thoughts n feelings..sometimes lega gak biler berbalas2 sms ngan madu(s)..i used to be jealous of Mie's relationship with my madu(s)..i berebut attention ngan depa..that's y i kata biler bergaduh ngan Mie..it brings him closer to me.

Apa2 pun after he left, baru i tahu naper dia madukan i..n i berterima kasih pada madu(s) i yg selama ini menghulurkan bantuan biler diperlukan..hanya Allah dpt membalas jasa madu(s) i.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

..from jln short cut..


Hana: Mama, naper mama x ikut jln short cut? Mama takut hantu ke?
Me: X lah, mama x takut hantu.
Hana: Papa x takut hantu pun. Papa selalu ikut situ.
Me: Mama takut org jahat.
Faris: Org jahat?
Me: Yelah org jahat. Kan kat situ gelap. Kalau org jahat tu tahan mama, sapa nak tolong mama? Papa kan dah xde. Kalau papa ada mesti dia tlg mama.
Faris: Ha ah lah Hana, kalau papa ada mesti dia belasah org jahat tu. Mama, papa kuat kan?
Me: Ye, papa kuat pasal papa laki.
Faris: Hana, papa kuat, kalau org pukul papa, xde apa2 pun. Papa ok je... Dulu org cucuk papa pun papa ok je.

Teringat conversation yg i had with them last nite. Masa tu i was driving home lepas amik depa kat umah babysitter. Selalu Mie akan balik ikut jln short cut kalau amik depa. Semalam Hana suh i ikut jalan tu. Hmm....gelap je jln tu. Kalau siang tu ok lg.

Talking about "dulu org cucuk papa pun papa ok je"...i think Faris was referring to this 1 incident biler Mie was stab at his rusuk. Dalam jugaklah luka dia..i think he had about 18-20 stitches..I guess dia tgk papa dia boleh rilex lg kuar p jalan sana sini..that's y papa dia kuat kot. In actual fact, sakit x terkata tp boring duk umah..sanggup kuar lepak kat kedai mamak ngan fwens.

Biler pk kan balik, dia pernah terlibat ngan 3 motor accidents sampai kepala dia berjahit 25 stitches (that's where dia dapat nama Mie Parut), luka sana sini, even got stabbed..tapi masih panjang umur. It's not that i berdoa dia x selamat. But i've always have this feeling that i'm gonna lose him pasal accident sama ada on the road ataupun masa dia buat outdoor activities coz he loves doing abseiling, camping & so on.

X sangka lah plak dia tinggalkan i masa tgh tdo (something that he loves 2 do)..truthfully, i terkilan gaks dgn cara dia pergi. Dia pergi sorang2, x sakit. I selalu terpk mcm manalah keadaan dia masa akhir hayat tu. Sempat tak dia mengucap.. I have a lot of questions in my head. Kalau tgk dari last tpt dia berada, ..i think he did not hv 2 struggle. Sebab masa i found him, dia dah jatuh tdo kat atas tpt lapik budak2 (mcm jigsaw puzzle besar tu)..n tpt lapik tu xde menunjukkan dia meronta2..everthing was intact. He was actually still dakaping his fav bantal. Itu sajelah yg boleh give me comfort.

I have a lot things going around my mind..tapi x tau nak ckp ngan sapa. Yeah ppl will say, sabarlah, be strong...bla bla bla bla...ppl see me laughing, joking sana sini...tp berat mata yg memandang, berat lg bahu yg memikul.

Monday, August 1, 2005

Midnite Tears

What an exhausting weekend. Faris mula kena sakit mata ari Sabtu. First sakit mata aje lepas tu demam. Susah betul nak kuarantinkan dia..with the bros n sis around. On Sunday, Firdaus, Hana & Han plak yg sakit mata. Well sakit mata boleh adjust lg. Then biler malam je, Farhana demam n her temperature tinggi. Very high that she started to shiver. She asked for a glass of water...biler dia bgn nak minum, badan dia shiver ngan kuat n she was crying really loud. Myself dah panicked pasal ingatkan she nak kena tarik..(org tua2 kata u can kena mcm tu biler badan panas sgt)

I grabbed the phone n wanted to dial Mie's number. That's what i usually do biler one of the children x leh tdo pasal demam or juz not feeling well. If he's at work or kat kedai mamak, he will surely balik to teman me comfort the kids. It took me a few minutes to realise that he's no longer around. No longer around to help me look after the kids tgh2 mlm. I'm on my own.

Hana cried & so did I...

Thursday, July 28, 2005

..Precious..

Farhana in pink and Faris in blue..these two like to talk about their papa..and whenever they see the moon, they'll go..tu papa ada kat situ..tu papa tgk kita..papa boleh tgk kita tapi kita x boleh tgk papa..hmm sapa sangka dia org akan ckp mcm tu.
Cite bulan tu timbul masa we all dlm keta driving back from my sister's hse..they popped the question..mama, papa tdo dlm pasir ye? nak x nak kena jwb gaks..ye tapi papa boleh tgk kita..papa boleh tgk faris & hana nakal ke tak..papa tgk?..ye..tu papa ada kat atas tu..dekat ngan bulan tu, tinggi tpt dia..actually, i x tau nak ckp mcm mana..i juz wanted them 2 know that their papa will alwiz b wathcing them n will alwiz b around them without them knowing...Susah gak nak explain kat 3 &4 years old nie..i guess i kena layan they all dgn bulan nie until they r big enough 2 understand..

Firdaus is the eldest..he's the quiet n shy boy. He likes to keep things to himself..susah nak know his feelings..from the day his papa died sampai skrg, dia hanya sebut pasal him like on 4 to 5 occasions..unlike the sis n bro. Risau gak and i think he's the one yg akan make me worry the most during his teens. Now pun dia kdg2 tunjuk gak belang dia. Likes to tease the bro n sis sampai they all menangis..i guess itu dia take after the papa. Dulu kalau i marah, dia x dengar..i ngadu kat Mie. Firdaus will always listen to him but jarang with me..i guess dia tau mama dia nie marah2 pun bg gaks kalau dia mintak apa2...Now kalau he doesn't listen 2 me..i will always ckp ..yelah..dulu papa ada, abg dgr ckp papa..skrg papa x de, abg x nak dgr ckp sapa2..i know i x patut make him feel uneasy tapi that's how i feel..I hope dia x simpan apa2 perasaan x puas hati towards me..n i hope he'll grow 2 b a good n obedient son..amin.

Farhan's the youngest..masa his papa died he was about 6-month old. Juz last 26/7 dia genap 1 year..he's not going 2 remember anything..sian dia. A few days before Mie left us..he did spent a lot of time with the family..funny thing..Farhan was observing his papa like he'd never observed b4. He followed his papa wherever he went..he kept his eys on his papa all the time..i guessed he knew that he had not much time with his papa..
Masa dia mula2 nak start buat bunyi, the first word that came out from him was...papa..papa..broke my heart. Mesti Mie bangga giler anak dia panggil dia dulu instead of the mum.. :(
Well now Farhan's word is mostly nak..nak..nak..pasal the sister n bros makan sokmo..so he also wants apa yg sis n bros dia makan...kelakar tgk dia kat tepi meja saying nak..nak..whenever i put food on the table..mcm dia tau je ada makanan kat atas meja tu..

I hope i have the strength n courage 2 face anything yg dtg masa membesarkan his kids. I pray that i can didik them 2 b good individuals. It's gonna b tough, i know..

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Januari

Been meaning 2 write this for quite a while tp x kesampaian.

Berat bebanku..meninggalkanmu
Separuh nafas jiwaku.... sirna
Bukan salahmu.....apa dayaku
Mungkin cinta sejati tak berpihak.. pada kitar
Kasihku..sampai disini kisah kita
Jangan tangisi keadaannya
Bukan karena kita berbeda
Dengarkan dengarkan lagu... lagu ini
Melodi rintihan hati ini
Kisah kita berakhir di januari
Selamat tinggal kisah sejatiku
Oh..... pergilah..........

Januari ~ Glenn. I have a lot of songs yg used to be our songs. But this song really stands out. On the day that he passed away, i kept his phone in my bag still switched on pasal takut frens dia tpon. Xde calls yg masuk, cuma satu msg je masuk pd mlm tu..n i terkejut biler dengar verse ..Kasihku, sampai disini kisah kita, jangan tangisi keadaannya...kisah kita berakhir di januari..True enough our love life ended on 31/1/05. Betul-betul menyentuh perasaan i. I x tau secara kebetulan atau apa pasal kalau Mie pegang phone tu, dia mmg set profile lain sebab i x pernah dgr lagu tu on his phone. That's y i terduduk masa dgr lagu tu from his phone. Guess he must have known that he was going.

There were signs that i did not pay attention to. The past few weeks b4 he left, he did not talk much, he likes to sit at the verandah by himself, he was being extra sweet to me (n i thought it was him making up to me bcoz we had a fight the week b4)..had i known i had not much time..i wld certainly turn back the clock...n certainly wld be nicer to him.

Friday, July 8, 2005

Something..Anything

It has been 6 months since he passed away n i've yet to receive the report on his death. The doc called me up y'day, said he coudn't come to a conclusion on the cause of his death. Huh? People juz don't die..there has 2 b a reason. Then dia kate nak tunggu report from the police on laporan kimia plak..helloooooo!!!! it has been 6 mths, can't they get anything yet?

It's so sad..yes jodoh & ajal di tangan Tuhan..tapi kalau dia meninggal masa dia sakit then i boleh terima..ni sakit apa pun tidak, tau2 he's gone. I bukan x percaya pada qada' & qadar n questioning Him tapi there should b a cause. Kenapa biarkan myself dalam kebingungan mcm nie? Don't i deserve some answer...any answer. Have i been that bad to deserve all these?

Mmg dah 6 bulan tp rasenye mcm baru semalam dia pergi. I still see him around..everywhere i go, everywhere i lay my eyes on..he's there. I still feel his presence. I still wake up in the middle of the nite, hoping he'll come home as he usually does. Still hope one day he will appear, alive n healthy. Nuts? X boleh nak terima kenyataan? Ntahlah. Kadang2 mcm terdengar pintu dibuka, rasa dia still sleeping on the bed. Rase mcm i'm having a bad dream n how i wish that i could juz wake up from this dream.

Oh God!! How i miss him..so much that it hurts. Please.......

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

he kept them

Juz d other day, i was cleaning my house (finally)..came across a box or shld i say a big brown envelope..went thru them..discovered letters n cards yg pernah bg 2 him. Ya Allah..tabahkanlah hati ku.

He actually kept all the letters n cards yg i bg dia since i 1st started going out with him. Letters masa tgh study n dia blk kg..masa myself kat kuantan..dia kat kl. I realized..how mushy i was back then..i used to express my love, my deepest love 4 him n i was scared of losing him. Reading them really broke my heart. Lepas dah kawin..i nvr expressed that much of love 2 him..i guessed he knew. But the thought of losing him masa tu..masa dok berkawan..really heartbreaking..guess how i felt biler dah kawin n ada kids with him. As if half of my life was gone.

Ppl can say..sabar..tabahkan hati..huh!! easier said than done.

Pertemuan yang tidak diduga ini bisa mengikut naluri kita..lalu mata pun bertemu..dan hatiku dan hatimu saling menyapa..esoknya kita bersua lagi, mataku menyapa matamu, sinaran matamu kufahami rupanya kita tidak saling bertepuk sebelah tangan..lalu, tangan pun berganding gelak pun seiring kini kita menjadi kawan, sahabat dan kekasih..

Monday, April 18, 2005

..boo hoo..

Jimmy..Mie..Abg..Papa...that was my kata panggilan to him..dr kawan, kawin n dpt anak..

How i miss calling out those names..i miss ething bout him. His jokes, laughter..smile..n even when we fought..He liked to tease me n i ended up being angry at him..n we ended up fighting. The fighting is nothing..juz a test of love n patience..the make up after the fight were usually great..i guess that's y we loved to fight..hehehe.


Life is sure hard now. I've 4 growin kids..Firdaus (8), Faris (4), Farhana (3) n cute baby Farhan (9 mths). Taulah kan how kids r..naughty but cute..mischievous yet adorable. Sometimes rase cam nak give up biler they all naughty sangat..but rasa tu sekejap je..hmm..they r still my responsibility. Sometimes i pity them..whenever i scolded them..they will look at me with their big round eyes, crying for sympathy..boo hoo!! Who could resist that? Wonder how some so-called-mothers have the heart 2 juz leave their babies in the dumpster!!





Thursday, March 24, 2005

Jimmy

It all started back then in 1989..i was in Form 3 at BBGS.
I loved rollerskating (even though i was not that good)..but hey it's 1 way to meet cute guys. Well, i usually hang out at Semua House (it was d place 2 b back then) One fine day..after the supposedly tuition class...went there with a couple of frens. Started rollerskating with them. Suddenly i was stopped by this guy...hmm..wat was his name? Oh yeah..he introduced himself as "Mayong"..(weird?). We started to talk..skate a bit...then we were approached by his group of frens. Ahah..noticed 1 cute guy there...wonder wat's his name? We stopped for a drink..n somehow i was sitting n laughing my heads off with his "cute" fren. His sense of humour juz melted my heart. I was beginnin to like him.
Changed phone numbers with Mayong...walaupun dlm hati cam nak mintak contact no. fren dia yg cute..oh yeah..lupa plaks..nama dia Jimmy...hmm org Melayu nama omputih..
Balik quite late...(jenuh nak jawab ngan my folks ni)..dlm balik tu tersenyum sorang2 dlm bas Len Seng...ingatkan lawak si Jimmy tadi. Hmm biler lah lg agaknya dpt jumpa ngan dia. Sampai umah kena lecture pasal balik lambat...masa tu dah biase..ala2 degil masa tu. Mlm tu ada gaks si Mayong tu called..saje nak check betui ke tak nombor yg i bg...borak2 tapi x semeriah mcm masa borak ngan Jimmy. Borak2 pun kena sorok2 pasal my folks very conservative..anak dara dia ni x leh rcv call from boys (or even kuar ngan boys)...yelah skolah all gals..."pasai apa budak laki nak tepon?"..ayat lazim yg my arwah dad selalu pakai. So u can juz imagine wat my folks had 2 go thru everytime they picked up the phone....kalau my boy frens yg tpon..i dah ckp awal2..dgr suara org tua..letak je!! Skang biler pk balik..sian depa..marah2 kan org yg tpon tu..x pasal2 blood pressure naik...
A few days later masa my folks went out...(yoo hoo got the whole hse 2 myself)..rcved a call from Jimmy...dug! dag! dug! dag!...wah lajunya jantung. Aiks..mana dia dpt nombor? Hmm, nak kena find out nie...borak2...cite2..last2 terlupa plak nak tanya...excited giler punye pasal. Guess wat? Ada date ngan dia the comin weekend...cam nak kena ponteng tuition je lg...hehehe.
Hmm...met him..found out how he got my number....Mayong kate kalau nak no. One..kena langkah mayat dia dulu...so he actually langkah Mayong when tis Mayong tdo (org tua kata masa tdo is like mati kecik..dunno betui tak?) dia suh kwn dia jd saksi masa tu, so he collected my number from M. Baguih betul...well i'm glad he got my no.