Monday, May 7, 2018

a fourteen-year old heartache.
it doesn't seem like it would leave me anytime soon.
i do not know whether i am going through the early stage of menopause or whatever hormonal changes that i am facing right now. all i know is i miss you so much Mohd Azmey.
after all these years, i am still longing for you like a fool.
i keep thinking if we were not separated by death, would i still feel the same even after years of separation or would i have moved on?
i remember in the early years of marriage, we went through a few rough years. it was so intense that we had each thought of just walking away from the marriage.
but we stayed, we chose to rough it out together and i am thankful that we did.
the one thing that went through my mind when we had those awful fights, before ever walking away from our marriage was, could i love someone else like i've loved you? could i be in someone else's arms without picturing you? can i be true to myself and to my new partner?
i didn't believe i could.
and that was the reason for me refusing your proposal dear friend.

Friday, April 20, 2018

dear Mohd Azmey,
it is 2018 and i am still missing you.
sleeping, hugging a pillow
that's the last image that i want to remember you by.
Hana shared my postings from the blog on her IG
stories of the first few months after you left.
that brought me back when things were unbearable.
i remember holding back my tears when she talked about you.
i did that again when she cried just a few days ago.
she misses you so much too.
my dear sweet Hana. always the temperamental girl.
my mood depends on how her mood is for the day.
talking about mood, my current mood....
quit! i wish that i have enough money to just quit!

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

some people are blessed with kasih sayang sesama insan. kasih sayang yang melimpah ruah, cukup untuk dikongsi sehingga 4. 
i have a friend, whom i shall not name. he is married with kids. he is however now is in a relationship with another girl. occasionally he will call me up to tanya pendapat or just to bersembang pasal life dia. 
i have no problem with people who feel they can afford zahir dan batin nak menambah cawangan sana sini. hahaha, i actually told him to man up and confess to the girl, ajak nikah terus. my point is to halalkan apa yang boleh dihalalkan kalau rasa dah mampu. ada lagi ke kaum hawa yang nak menggalakkan poligami macam saya ni?  tapi i told him, banyak hurdles yang dia kena overcome, starting with his first wife. yelah, nak menambah biar cara yang betul, daripada duk main cintan cintun kot belakang. 
i personally kalau diberi pilihan memang taklah nak berpoligami ni sebab what is mine is mine...hehehe boleh?
apa-apa pun bro, i wish you all the best.

Monday, April 16, 2018

current mood: no mood.
place: in office
time: just after lunch break

i have made several entries for my blog but none have ever been published. it was either not interesting enough or i was too afraid to publish it. the truest feelings that would have made enemies. i am never short of dramas, both in personal and office life. 
my eldest son whom in the past made it loud and clear that he's against the idea of me remarrying had gotten married behind my back.  when i was away on a trip up north last year, he went down south for his solemnization. the son that had once told me that all i needed was him in my life. he would take care of me for the rest of my life. how about that!!
while others are busy updating their almost perfect lives on the social media (not that i am being jealous of or anything, just a bit intimidated), i am banging my head trying to figure out my second son. having been a rebellious teenager once, i thought i had it all covered. boy! was i wrong. i tried being the strict parent. friendly at times but nothing seems to work yet. do i do this, do i do that? the thousand of what ifs on the Ferris wheel, turning round and round and round in my head.
the colors of life.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Kisah kita berakhir di Januari 12 tahun lalu, Mohd Azmey and I am still missing you every single day.
Though me bergurau senda dengan friends about meeting and wanting someone else now, deep down it's just words. I simply can't imagine life with another person. Not ever.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Sometimes you feel like you need to give reasons but you're afraid in the end it might sound like you're just giving excuses. It is so hard to please everybody and still be okay with it.
Weekend migraine was a blast. It came, stayed for awhile and left. Lasted till Monday.  None of the usual meds worked. Old age, approaching menopause you'd say? Urgh! Don't remind me. 
I miss you the most when I'm feeling down and sick. Missing you like crazy, my Mie.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Mood menonton drama korea kembali. Lepas satu cerita ke satu cerita. Drama anak muda sekadar mencuci mata dan stress reliever. Kisah cinta pertengahan usia, mengggamit kenangan, mengusik jiwa.
On The Way To The Airport, drama terbaru berkisarkan kisah cinta di kalangan mereka yang berusia. Hmm..baru masuk episod kedua tapi hati dah mula mengenyam. Hehehehe. Terlintas di pikiran "It'd be nice to have someone same age different gender to talk to without judgement or guilt." Dari terlintas lantas tertekan papan kekunci telefon berkongsi dengan kakak-kakak, sepi.
Yes, without judgement and guilt. Rakan rapat lelaki seusia semua sudah berumahtangga dan berkeluarga. Memang lah depa tak kisah berborak, berbalas-balas message, bercerita tentang kehidupan, keluarga, anak-anak. Harus kalau berada di tempat yang sama seperti isteri depa, mesti timbul curiga dan berprasangka buruk. Harus dituduh mengenyam dengan pasangan mereka. Lalu ku undur diri..hehehe.
Bila dapat peluang bersembang dan berbalas email dgn kisah lama pasal kisah lama, tersenyum kambing sorang-sorang,  rasa guilty pulak. Bila dah rasa guilty dan rasa makin menambah dosa yang dicari..lalu ku undur diri lagi.
Bang Nuar dok sibuk promo album terbaru dia. Penyudahnya, cheq nak sembang dengan sapa?

Thursday, August 11, 2016

bersawang dah laman coretan ni. lama ditinggalkan dengan adanya cabang media lain untuk berkongsi pendapat dan perasaan. bermula dengan cerita cinta Jimmy, meluahkan rindu dan kesal  hingga ke cerita kegilaan terhadap drama korea, artis korea dan duren! hahahaha. masa berlalu dengan pantas sekali. sungguhpun gitu, segala kenangan masih tersemat di dalam hati dan sanubari. usia makin meningkat, anak-anak makin membesar, makin dekatlah lagi perjalanan menghampiriNya.

Monday, April 25, 2016

it is one of those days bila dengaq lagu, ayaq mata berteraboq.
tengok ceghita, beremosional lebih-lebihan
rindu yang tak dapat nak ditolong
sakit hati yang tak dapat nak dikongsi
dok keluh kesah sorang-sorang
nak bercakap dengan sapa?
kawan-kawan hat yang ada semua hebat-hebat
bila berceghita, rasa macam kechik je kita ni
nak bersembang dengan adik beradik
depa pun dah tak lalu nak dengaq kot
cheq  mengadu jugak dengan Dia
cheq tau Dia dengaq
tapi kadang-kadang cheq nak berinteraksi jugak
dengan depa yang ada depan mata
tapi kalau ada depan mata pun
tak jamin cheq boleh bukak mulut nak berceghita jugak.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

KOPRATASA..masih kah kau ingat (1987)

lagu ini mengingatkan pada Pak
being the youngest, i was always with Pak and Mak
i was their travel companion, their driver, their everything..hehehhe
Pak used to travel a lot while working with Jabatan Penerangan
masa i was younger, i would skipped school to follow them around
naik flight, dapat gula-gula semangkuk, color book; color pencils yang boleh naik turun naik turun untuk tukar color dalam MAS
i learned to eat steak and chicken chop and from then memanjang nak western je :)
hence masa admitted di hospital selama sebulan pun, tidak ku pandang nasi segala
Pak loved to sing and dance
he would sing to Ramlah Ram, Rohana Jalil and his all time favorite song called Siti Zaleha
i never knew who Siti  Zaleha was to him
and i don't think that song even existed in the real world
it was just something he loved to sing
 missing the moment when everything was all so simple
whenever i walked with him, i would always have my hand wrapped around his arm
i would sniff his elbow...simply loved his smell
he would cut up my roti canai for me and pour the hot milo into the saucer, for it to cool down
there was this weekly visit to Pasar Besar Kuala Lumpur
Mak will do the buying and both of us will wait at a nearby Chinese coffee shop by the river
dark coffee for him and soya bean milk in a bottle and toasted kaya set for me
i have a lot of fond memories with Pak more than i have with Mak
i am glad i am given the opportunity to take care of Mak even though she does not recognizes me
a chance to create wonderful memories enough to cherish for a lifetime.
may we meet again Pak in Jannah, aameen.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

you had a blue sweater on with a white tshirt underneath, the first time we met.
you went round and round the rink. you knew i was looking and you were showing off..hehehe.
cintaku masih untukmu
rinduku masih padamu
biarpun kita terpisah jiwa
namamu tetap di kalbu.
kusemadikan cintaku
di dalam doa kudusku
kepada Tuhan aku meminta
damailah engkau di sana
mengadap Tuhan yang Maha Esa.

Sunday, March 13, 2016

the weather has been hot for the last couple of months
it is hotter today
and i am feeling like crap.
feels like things would be better
if i could get the chance
to bite someone's head off.
my kids are big bullies
i am being bullied by them on a daily basis
i listen to them
listen to their needs
and their wants
though i can't afford much
but i try my very best to attend to their every desire
to the point, feels like i am being taken advantage of.
aaah kids, what do they know.
Mohd Azmey!!!!!!!
i am going through a tough time and wishing you were here.

Monday, February 22, 2016

sweetness overload.
just finished watching Reply 1988
bertalu-talu memori zaman remaja datang menyinggah
1988...baru berusia 14 tahun.
baru belajar mengenal dunia
baru mengenal kawan dan lawan
usia yang dikawal nafsu dan akal yang pendek
dalam kegembiraan, ada kedukaan, ada kekalutan
by the end of the drama, terasa sangat diri dah berusia
rindu pula pada yang lalu
(this scene reminds me of Mie giving me a back hug in the kitchen!!!)

Sunday, February 14, 2016

missing you so much tonight
mohd azmey ab wahab
memories on loop... :(

Thursday, February 11, 2016

i have fallen for this cover version over and over again
1st heard it on The Originals, googled it and wallaaaaa....
this song with Haley crying in the corner, put me into tears too.
then walked in Elijah and it was waterfall from then onwards
i remembered on the night Mie left, when i 1st heard Januari by Glenn on his mobile phone
i broke down uncontrollably
it has been eleven years but it still feels like yesterday
i can't get over him and i don't think i will get over him
my children are against me finding another life partner
to which i love to tease them and make up sad stories of me being all alone
when they have their own lives to live
truth: i can't imagine being in another person's arms other than his
i believe in the after life 
and i truly believe that we will be reunited then.

Thursday, December 3, 2015

i pray that i won't ever fall in love again
i don't think i can handle so many scars and pain again
the love that disappeared all of a sudden like a rainbow
leaving my clumsy mind undisturbed and going
i pray thay i won't ever fall in love again
as much as my heart fluttered
the painful days keep a stain
i pray that i won't ever fall in love again

(low-end project)

Monday, November 2, 2015

kita sering dibatasi
realiti dan fantasi
saat cinta bersemi
bersama berilusi
di situlah kita
mengenal ertinya budi
kasih sayang insani
dan peribadi
pada detik yang ngeri
yang tak pernah termimpi
ku dibaluti sepi
kenangan membara lagi
meracuni hati yang keterlanjuran
baru kini ku akui
kau masih milik ku lagi
dan terus bersemadi
hingga akhir nanti.

extra rindu, extra emo, extra segalanya. penangan mimpi semalam terbawa hingga ke hari ini. terasa macam melimpah ruah rasa cinta dan sayang ini. melebihi dari hari-hari sebelum. how can i love a person who is no longer with me more than i did when he was still with me? how is it possible? terbelenggu rindu? 

Thursday, October 1, 2015

my song for this October plus me is us.
my sister just lost her husband of 35 or was it 37 years?
Mak lost Pak after gazillion years of marriage.
i lost Mie after spending 16 years with him.
tak kira lama atau sekejap masa yang dihabiskan bersama, 
bila berlaku satu kehilangan dalam kehidupan, pedihnya tetap sama.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

cause i had nothing better to do and because i miss him.
life has been throwing me curveballs, one after another. tak sempat nak dodge. benjol-benjol kepala dibuatnya, sakit satu badan. lesu.
dugaan dari Dia yang menyayangi. diuji setakat yang mampu, depa ingatkan. Dia lebih mengetahui, sedangkan aku dah bersedia dengan bendera putih. menunggu masa untuk mengibar tanda lelah.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

lama sudah tak menjengah. lama jugak tidak diceritakan kisah hidup di sini. zaman IG, twitter makin merancak. hilang sudah daya untuk menyusun kata yang panjang. sekadar 140 ketukan papan kekunci untuk meluahkan yang terbuku.
separuh 2015 sudah berlalu dengan iringan dugaan demi dugaan. 
anak-anak yang dahulunya kecil, mendengar kata dan boleh diatur, kini sudah dewasa dan berada di dalam dunia mereka yang tersendiri, jauh dari dunia wanita tua ini.
pelbagai drama suka, duka, romantis dibintangi pelakon amatur dan professional mewarnai kehidupan. ada yang memberi impak yang terkesan sehingga ke hari ini. ada juga yang boleh dipandang sebelah mata. drama murahan gred D yang  memeningkan kepala hanya mampu ditepis dengan sebelah tangan. 
memikirkan hati dan perasaan orang lain, bila diri sendiri bagai dipijak-pijak. 
go with the flow Amal, go with the flow.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

hari ini adalah hari kenangan lalu Kuala Lumpur #klKL. bukan kenangan yang meruntun jiwa yang dicari. kenangan manis zaman sekolah menengah. zaman nak duit, mintak Pak. nak makan, mintak Mak. nak gelak tak ingat dunia, carik kawan sama kepala.
cinta monyet @ puppy love yang ingat sampai sekarang. woohoo!!! 
i had fun. i really had fun during my schooldays. 

Friday, May 8, 2015

i may not be perfect but i am always ME
 i love moving to music
in my seat, in shopping malls, in the car
i super love singing too
in my room, in the car (again) and in my head
i love everything that gives me pleasure
i love ME.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

sometimes i just do not like you.
plain and simple.

Monday, March 30, 2015

me favorite - Notting Hill

Friday, March 27, 2015

itu cerita lamalah Amal. cerita sepuluh tahun yang lalu. cerita basi, lapok, 
aku bukan bercerita untuk semua, bukan jugak pada semua. 
aku bercerita pada diri aku sendiri, untuk aku. 
aku yang mendengar, aku yang membaca, aku yang merasa. 
aku tidak mengharap pada sesiapa untuk memahami aku. 
aku memahami diri aku sendiri. 
sakit perit, aku tanggung sendiri. 
namun aku berkongsi gelak tawa ku
di sebalik topeng, di balik tembok yang aku sendiri bina. 
hati aku tidak sesuci yang aku harapkan. 
hati aku tidak pernah sunyi dari cemburu. 
jiwa aku kerap membentak kehijauan.

mak pernah berpesan, jagalah diri, bataskan pergaulan. aku sudah bukan seperti dahulu. 
jangan hingga aku dikutuk dan dicaci atas sebab takdir yang telah ditentukan. 
aku redha Mak. 
telah tertulis, takdir hidup yang harus aku tempuhi. 
telah tertulis bahawa aku diberi peluang kedua untuk berbakti pada mu Mak.
aku redha Mak.
emosi yang bercelaru menjengukkan aku di sini, bercerita tentang aku..dan kau.
kerinduan aku pada kita tidak tertanggung rasanya. 
dada aku dihimpit seribu kenangan pahit dan manis. 
masih jelas di fikiran hari terakhir kita di penghujung petang Januari.
aku rindukan kau, rindukan kita, rindukan kami.

Thursday, January 15, 2015

bila terlalu banyak makan budi, nak bersuara lebih pun takut. takut dikata tak mengenang budi. bila tak bersuara, dikata tak ambil peduli. pendam memendam, makan hati berulam jantung.
kalau pun tak bersetuju, tak pernah diluahkan atas rasa hormat. kalau pun tak menyenangkan, ditelankan sahaja.
kenapa begini jadinya? ke mana perginya suara yang dulunya lantang? ke mana perginya keinginan untuk mempertahankan apa yang dimahu? atas sebab usiakah maka perubahan ini berlaku? atas sebab kematangankah? penakutkah?
kalau orang lain susah untuk faham, apa lagi aku?

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

i am a loner
being sad because of love
shedding tears because of love

Friday, September 26, 2014

...i'm not your superwoman
i'm not the kind of girl that you can let down
and think that everything's okay
boy, i am only human
this girl needs more than occasional hugs
as a token of love from you to me.
..look into the corners of your mind
i'll always be there for you through good and bad times
but i can't be the superwoman that you want me to be
i'll give my love,oh, lasting love if you'll return love to me..

my feelings have been stomped on countless of times.  maybe i am exaggerating or even being a drama queen but it is exactly how i feel. one minute i am laughing my head off, the next minute it feels like someone is ripping out my heart. (told you - drama queen). shall i throw in the towel, call it quits, yadiya yadiya yadiya. things that go through my mind every single day, things that i have to decide on and deal with are driving me insane. 

we have the authority to decide, if the foundation is strong, then everything will turn out as how it should, so i was told. i am trying my very best to lay the foundation, trying to make it strong and it is freaking difficult.  

you can see my tears but you can never feel my pain inside.

i am no Superwoman.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

long overdue Perhentian trip for the kids.
not for mama though. mama no friends with sea and air.
the kids enjoyed snorkeling and mama enjoyed her 'me' time doing nothing.
no cute men in sight to cuci mata..bummer!
till the next trip that involves no sea & air :D

Thursday, March 13, 2014

only with my heart, i will want you
only with my heart, i will kiss you
do not be sorry, this is just life
whether you love me or feel sorry
i feel the same way.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

it was a sad morning.
and it is still sad in the afternoon.
will the sadness ever go away..... today?
some people are meant to be who they are suppose to be
and some are not.
well, i guess i am the latter.
is being the youngest mean that i want everything to go my way
by hook or by crook
do i put on a tantrum at this old age when things do not go
the way i planned and hoped?
i am just plain tired and sad.

Monday, February 17, 2014

i know you are somewhere out there
somewhere far away.
melayan lagu sedey di pejabat, just because i can. malas nak melayan drama orang tua yang terasa diri masih muda, just because i can (me is an exceptional). updating my blog during office hours, just because i can. thinking about you who is unavailable to me, just because i can't think of anyone else.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Ted Mosby's speech on LOVE..

LOVE means caring about someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you. it is LOVE. and when you LOVE someone, you do not stop, ever! even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy, even then, especially then.
you do not give up because if you could give up, if you could take the whole world's advice and move on and find someone else, that would not be LOVE. that would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for.
that is not what this is.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

so you manage to overcome your loneliness already? 

statement yang masih menghantui kepala sehingga hari ini. like WTH!!!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

childish? gediks? don't think so. i have successfully removed you from my list of friends just because whenever i see your name online, my mind tends to go haywire. no, i don't have feelings for you..i just go weak in my knees :D  i don't have that many friends. what i have, i love them to bits. and i guess i love you a little bit more than the rest. i don't want to be making a fool of myself whenever we communicate. i tend to over analyze things.

Monday, September 9, 2013

up close & personal...
*still on cloud nine*

Monday, August 26, 2013

me kalau menonton cerita ataupun membaca novel tak kiralah melayu or cerita omputeh, kalau sesuai dengan jiwa memang akan terbawa-bawa emosinya. memanjang nak sedih dan sentap je kalau tak kena gaya.. pastu bila bawa kereta pun boleh emo. haish orang tua ni.
orang lain dah habis musim tengok cerita BMP, me baru selesai. maka sekarang dok ulang dengar lagu-lagu dari BMP. semuanya membuai emosi. ye, me jiwang. me mengaku.

di sini hati yang menanti
menanti tanpa pasti
di sana dia yang menunggu
menunggu tanpa jemu
kau aku dan waktu
kau aku dan rindu
oh Tuhan tolonglah
aku pinta cuma satu nyawa
agar dapat aku sebut namaMu
Tuhan tolonglah
aku pinta cuma satu cinta
aku sebenarnya rindu
kau aku dan waktu
kau aku dan rindu
Tuhan tolonglah
aku pinta cuma satu cinta
aku sebenarnya
aku sebenarnya rindu.

~ zulhuzaimy ~

Thursday, August 22, 2013

indah harumnya bungaku
merah di kelopak madu
tanya hati siapa mahu
bila cinta diam membisu

kau bunga yang penuh durinya
ku selalu memuja...

biarpun terluka diriku
namun bungaku tetap dihati

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

this little boy was only six months old when Azmey passed away. now he is 9. he has no memory of arwah. whenever i looked at him now, i am reminded of an incident that happened during the last Ramadhan. we went to jalan TAR for our annual raya shopping.
we were at a shop looking for Hana's baju kurung. at a corner there was a family - father, mother & kids choosing clothes too. i was too busy with Hana to notice anything unusual with Farhan and furthermore i knew he was safe with Syu.
When we were finally done, Syu mentioned that Farhan had tears in his eyes when he watched the family in action.
poor boy.... mama pun sedèy jua Han. kalau dapat diputarkan masa, i am sure you would have had great times with your Papa. he may not be perfect but he would have showered you with endless love in his own way.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

pulang ke aloq setaq pada syawal kedua. terbayang diri berlari-lari anak di atas batas bendang. fuuh!! syiok. bilalah nak dapat sorang persis lelaki melayu terakhir...Atan oh Atan!!!

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

aku datang kepadamu
aku datang mencarimu
tapi kau pergi dariku
bagai bayu di jari jari ku
aku datang - tomok

Monday, July 8, 2013

...i am just emotionally challenged like that. i do not love a lot of people but those that i do, i treasure them. falling for you does not mean that i want you or need you. dosa ooo dosa.

Monday, May 6, 2013

sit with me..
sit with me and run out the clock
sit with me..
sit with me and watch me choose you me earn you.

Monday, April 29, 2013

...katakan entah ke mana perginya
masa yang indah dan gelak tawa yang cerah
dunia yang terdiam tanpamu
dunia yang menelan hatiku....

Thursday, April 25, 2013

...type, delete, type, delete sepuluh lima belas kali.  this picture just says it all. 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Friday, December 14, 2012

whenever i look at this picture, i'd do the same.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

he is going all around Indonesia performing with the not-so-new group NOAH. reading their updates via twitter and FB is driving me nuts. wonder when will Malaysia be on their list.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Monday, October 15, 2012

buying a house is a big decision. location, price, nearby facilities yadiya yadiya yadiya. am in the midst of buying a house, yes at this age.
been going through advert by advert each and every working day. dah naik pening. found a place that would not burn a hole in the pocket by end of the month, enough rooms for everybody, location wise - far from the current place but nearer to the workplace. a nearby house in a familiar surrounding with all the necessary facilities, less space and costs a bomb. 
making this decision is scary. moving to somewhere affordable means i will be far away from people and places that are familiar to me, scary. what if i have a panic attack in the middle of the night? what if i hear noises in the house and am too afraid to check it out. what if, what if, what if...
a nearby place gives a sense of security - knowing that i can call out to someone that i know just in case anything should happen in the middle of the night.
maka....saya membuat keputusan untuk mencari jodoh. bila dah ada partner, doesn't matter where i stay kan? :D

Thursday, October 11, 2012

.....our wounds remind us of where we have been and what we have overcome. even remind us what to avoid in the future..but sometimes it doesn't work that way. sometimes we have to learn over again.

Friday, October 5, 2012

am happy and sad at the same time.
happy that we are having normal conversations like we used to.
and happy to know that i do cross your mind, occasionally.
sad to know that you were confused about the dreams that you had.
and am sad too about that feeling of yours.
when i said my goodbye just now, it felt like that was my last goodbye.
just so you know, the haunted house has a special place in my heart.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

was bored in the office...
dok scroll pictures..
couldn't find a picture of me that i like (what's new)
wanted to post up a pic of Ariel and me - side by side..
alas..someone beat me to it.. :)
btw, both of them have lovely smiles.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

do i like you or do i love you? love? Wikipedia explains love as

......... a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from pleasure ("I loved that meal") to interpersonal attraction ("I love my partner"). "Love" may refer specifically to the passionate desire and intimacy of romantic love, to the sexual love of eros, to the emotional closeness of familiallove, to the platonic love that defines friendship,[4] or to the profound oneness or devotion of religious love[5], or to a concept of love that encompasses all of those feelings. This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, compared to other emotional states.

hmm...i think i like you.

Monday, May 28, 2012

had i not grieved enough for the past 7 years? had i not shed more tears than the pacific ocean & hindi ocean put together? went through an episode last night. an i-miss-you-like-crazy-felt-like-i-could-die kind of episode. 
miss his silly jokes, his smile, his laughter.
miss our fights..big and small.
miss everything about him.

Friday, May 18, 2012

the anxiety, fear, uncertainty, anger...
all jumbled up into one giant ball that is taking control over my mind and body.
people say i need to do A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K..................................

Monday, March 26, 2012

lama jugak dah tak menulis di sini. buntu untuk menulis. episod suka, sedih, sakit hati, memendam perasaan dan semua yang sewaktu dengannya cuba untuk diluah tapi dek kerana tahap kemalasan yang melampau untuk berfikir, menyusun ayat dan mengetuk papan kekunci menyebabkan semuanya dipendam. pendam sehari dua ok lagi, bila melebihi expiry date...jiwa jadi kacau, habis semua di sekeliling nak dimarah. tagline "emotionally challenged" memang sangat sesuai dengan wan amal hayati. hahahaha.
rata-rata anak-anak sedara semuanya dah besar panjang. habis exam, sambung belajar, bekerja, bertunang, bernikah...semuanya mengingatkan lagi betapa maksu depa nie dah tua. lagi-lagi bila tengok cucu 2 orang. haish! bercucu dah wahwo nie tapi perangai masih tak berubah....hehehe.
tengok orang lain happy, hati pun ikut teruja tapi......

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Thursday, November 3, 2011

i've actually lost interest in this blogging thing; hence the last entry was dated 3 october..tu pun it was just AZ's song lyrics. FB pun dah membosankan, that leaves Twitter.

Monday, October 3, 2011


pernahkah engkau berfikir
apa yang ku lakukan
itu cinta
pernahkah engkau sadari
setiap ku bicara
itu cinta
pernahkah engkau mengerti
yang ku inginkan
berdua denganmu
walaupun hanya sedetik
memandang wajahmu
itu cukup bagiku
h a n y a  k a u  y a n g  k u  m a u
k u  t a k k a n  h i d u p  t a n p a  d i r i m u
h i d u p  t i a d a  a r t i n y a
b i l a  a k u  t a k  b i s a
m e m i l i k i  d i r i m u
dan bila kau rasakan
seperti yang kurasakan
sambutlah tangan ini
dan berikan cinta
dan bila kau tak mengerti
dengarkan lagu ini
ku berkata sejujurnya
dan ku...cinta kau.

i simply love this song and i am dedicating this song to the singer - bang Nuar kuuuu
boleh ka?

Friday, September 30, 2011

t.o.d.a.y.  f.e.e.l.s.  s.a.d.  

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Ya Allah, jika benar ini dugaanMu, aku redha. Andai dugaan dan balasan yang Kau beri kini adalah ke atas kekhilafan ku di masa lalu, aku redha Ya Allah. Kau lebih mengetahui akan apa yang terbaik buat diriku dan keluarga. Jika benar kejauhan dan perpisahan ini boleh mendatangkan kebaikan dan kebahagiaan di masa hadapan, aku terima. Jika perpisahan ini lebih mendatangkan keburukan, aku dengan rendah dirinya memohon padaMu ya Allah, berilah petunjuk dan hidayahMu. Bantuilah hambaMu yang lemah ini. Sesungguhnya hanya padaMu aku berserah.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

[missing pic]

tengok Fenomena 29 jun 1990
rm4.50 je kot
...ooops it was a Friday
wasn't i suppose to be at the tuition centre then?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

[missing pic]

i was going through my box to do some spring cleaning
terjumpa pulak benda alah nie
tahun 90 tuu from Superman plak tuuu
hehehe.. berani letak kat sini coz i know 
dia tak pernah jengah ke sini.
alah..kalau jengah pun...takde maknanya pun
setakat kenangan lama di angin lalu
he's happily married ngan wife cantik dia :)
hmm....apa lagi agaknya ada dalam kotak nie ek?

Thursday, July 7, 2011

[missing pic]

awak buat saya selalu teringatkan awak.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

[missing pic]

biarkanlah saja diriku sendirian tanpamu
biarkanlah saja diriku sepi tanpa kata..
mungkinkah segala derita di jiwa
akan terubat jua akhirnya.

Friday, June 24, 2011

u choose to ignore all of my feelings
and do as you please
like i am some dumb-ass shit
i'm feeling miserable
all thanks to you.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

flowerpot ~ alex chu

you come to me from some place far away
my heart trembles, how can i express my feelings?
you stole my heart from the start
and give me an incurable sickness
i want to become a flowerpot, i pray always
i'll become a flowerpot that sits on your small windowsills
though i can't speak or want anything at all
i'll be able to see you smile and feel your touch once a while
and i'll be the one gazing at our face as you sleep
you leave me for some place far away
how can i stop my tears from falling?
you had my heart from the start
and made me suffer an incurable sickness
i want to become a flowerpot. i pray always
i'll become a flowerpot that sits on your small windowsills
though i can't speak or want anything at all
i'll be able to see you smile and feel your touch once a while
and i'll be the one gazing at your face as you sleep

Monday, April 25, 2011

i say this, u say that

i say this, you say that
i said no, you said yes
i did the things i do cause i love you
you did the things that pleases you
cause you love me too.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

wanna try

berulang kali soalan tu ditanya. seingatnya perkataan itu sering dipakai ketika zaman cinta monyet. would you like to go steady, kita couple nak, nak jadi girlfriend saya? tulah ayat-ayat lazim yang sering digunakan. biler dah berusia nie, ditanya soalan macam tu rasa janggal pun ada. tak tau nak jawab apa. habis-habis dijawab dengan 'hahaha'. bersetujukah saya dengan cadangan itu? malu tapi mahu? woot! sapa dalam dunia ni yang tak mahu menyayang dan disayangi. tapi biler ditanya sedemikian, terkedu dibuatnya. tidak bolehkah satu-satu perhubungan itu dimulakan dari berkawan dan seterusnya menyerahkan kepadaNya untuk menentukan perjalanan perhubungan itu. i still think of him every single day, tu tak boleh dinafikan. To just go out there and say that, yes I'll give it a try doesn't seem fair to the other party. I personally feel we should just start out slow and see where our feelings take us. maybe by then i can still love him and place him in a memory box somewhere deep within me and go on with my new life with you. betul tak? dan mungkin jua ketika itu, saya sudah boleh mula belajar berkongsi, jika itu takdirNya.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

mimpi yang bermain

mimpi yang bermain dengan jiwa dan perasaan. hmmm...mimpi semalam adalah sesi ramah mesra yang dah lama ditinggalkan. kami berborak, bergelak tawa, bertepuk tampar, indah. senyumannya masih semanis dulu. pandangan matanya masih mampu membuat jantungku berdegup laju. aku rindu, rindu teramat.
dan aku sering ditanya kenapa aku tidak pernah mahu membuka hati aku untuk menerima cinta yang lain? 

Monday, April 11, 2011

Honey Bi

ME time that i had last weekend was spent at the Sepang where Rain performed.
went with another Rain fanatic, me dearest sister Kak Mah and Callie
tempat we all berdiri agak berdekatan jugaklah dengan stage. niat di hati macam nak berdiri depan pagar betul-betul depan stage, tapi apakan daya....ada ajumma-ajumma lain yang lebih pantas dari kita orang. hahaha serious ajumma ok. the ground where we stood was full with batu-batu yang bersegi-segi. bayangkan berdiri menunggu honey Bi tersayang mula perform at 9. harus longlai gitu.

opening act ada this Ford supermodel contest. the audiences dah kind of restless menunggu sekian lama, kena pulak layan tengok model buat catwalk. hmm apa signifikasinya membuat show sedemikian sebagai show pembukaan? ontahlah, tak dapek makcik nak nolong jawabnye. pastu kluar plak si Joe Flizzow and Altimet, lagilah kebosanan yang melampau. yelah to me yang tak layan lagu-lagu depa memanglah bosan..tak taulah plak kot ajumma-ajumma kat depan tu ikut terloncat skali ngan Joe, tu lainlah.

the minute honey Bi muncul....waaaahhh!!!! gegak gempita dibuatnya.
note: for clearer view of him, click on the pic.

hahahaha...i'm gonna use up all my pics storage allocation kalau letak semua. these are just a few of the hundred that i took. aaahhh...the songs, the dance movement, the sweat, his pinkish skin colour everything was in order even the way the clothes fit him all in the right places woot!!!
sangat-sangat berpuas hati. the crowd closest to us was cool. same fanatic yang tak kisah to dance and shout segala, walaupun dah boleh masuk kategori ajumma jua tapi taklah sehebat ajumma kat depan pagar tu hehe.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

i want to love someone whose heart has been broken, so that he knows exactly how it feels and won't break mine.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

i am tired. 
tired of talking, tired of crying...
tired of everything. 
it's just not fair for you to leave me to handle these kids and life. 
tired of trying to make people listen to me.
tired of having to explain myself.
tired of thinking and trying to keep it altogether.
i am just TIRED.

Monday, March 21, 2011


kalau disebut, orang akan merasa menyampah. seperti kisah yang tiada kesudahannya. sakit yang ditanggung tidak kelihatan pada zahirnya. secara luarannya, aku boleh menjadi seorang yang peramah, mengusik teman-teman berdekatan, bertepuk-tampar dan bergelak-tawa seakan melupakan segala duka lara. ada ketikanya aku jua boleh menjadi orang yang pendiam dan memencilkan diri dari semua. kala aku berdiam adalah yang paling menyakitkan. diam memikirkan masa lampau yang masih erat aku genggam. diam mengenangkan balasanNya. aku diam, aku fikir, aku marah dan aku membenci diri aku sendiri. segala kekusutan dan kekalutan yang berlaku adalah atas kekhilafan aku yang jahil. atas kejahilan itu maka kini aku diduga. dugaan yang Dia rasakan aku mampu menempuhinya. Ya Allah, aku bermohon padaMu, berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk meneruskan hidup ini, teguhkanlah imanku untuk menempuhi segala dugaan dan cabaran dalam membesarkan anak-anak yang telah diamanahkan padaku. Kiranya aku tersasar, berikanlah aku petunjuk dan bawalah aku kembali ke jalanMu ya Allah.

engagement & a birthday

last Saturday, niece got engaged and Mak turned 75.
*pic taken by one the kanak-kanak riang
they share the same birth dates and turned 75 last saturday.
at the end of the engagement ceremony, eldest brother held a mini celebration
for both his mom and MIL.

birthday boy

long overdue post...
the 1st cicit of the Omarians, lil Aqil turned 1.
had a little get-together at USJ17
pot luck and pool